Another Fine Mess
by Shade
Summary: Wars are won by the side that makes the fewest mistakes.
1. Another Fine Mess

Another Fine Mess  
by Where is Shade?  
  
Disclaimer: Rowan Phoenix, Shadow (this one anyway),  
the Guardian, and the Bard are Shade's. Other series  
that follow should belong to others, otherwise something  
is wrong with this universe.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
In the Multiverse, there were worlds beyond measure,   
universes beyond the count of even a god's lifetime.   
And spanning the boundries between these infinite   
realities were waystations, places of rest for those   
who knew where to find them.   
  
The "Lucky Duck" was one such nexus point. The inn had been around   
since anyone could remember, a haven for those rogues and scoundrels   
with just enough principles to get themselves into trouble.   
Worn and battered, the large structure of wood and stone had  
come to bear no small resemblence to the features of some great   
giant of ages past. Its formidable outer appearance was usually   
enough to discourage the curiousity of those who were not the   
place's trade. It was not a place where the respectable came to  
call.  
  
But it did not dissuade the three cloaked and hooded figures   
that approached under the glaring noon sun.   
  
They were the three who were one. Shadow of the Black,   
deadly assassin, thief, and necromancer. Guardian of   
the Light, holy paladin and white cleric. And Rowan,   
perhaps the most unusual of the three, whose simple   
cloak of grey on green revealed as little of the ranger   
as he himself did.  
  
The three had seen much and all knew more of   
battle then peace. There were few who would   
offer them trouble, even in this place.  
  
And they had business here today.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
"I still think this is a bad idea."  
  
Shadow pulled the hood of his black cloak further down over his head,   
wanting this business over and done with as soon as possible. He disliked   
having to come out during the day, especially at the request of that   
half-elven idiot. Although no longer as vulnerable to sunlight since   
forming the truce with his other parts, he still found the experience  
to be quite unpleasant.  
  
"The Bard asked us to meet him here. Why don't you complain to him?"  
  
The Guardian drew back his white hood to shoot an irritated look   
at his counterpart, annoyed as always by his childish behavior.   
Even more then two thousand years later, their dark side still   
managed to get under his skin.   
  
"Enough, both of you."  
  
The pair fell silent as their third counterpart   
studied the building in front of them with a slight  
frown on his face.  
  
{Strange, I wouldn't think this place to be one that the Bard would frequent.}  
  
The other two nodded in unspoken agreement to his shared thought.  
Normally the pervert stuck to places where the waitresses were   
pretty and easy to grab, fondle, and otherwise make a nuisance  
of himself with. It was one of the half-elf's more disreputable   
and yet also consistant character traits.  
  
"Should we reunite?"  
  
Rowan considered the Guardian's suggestion   
for a long moment, but then finally shook his   
head.   
  
"No, I want us to have some flexibility   
should things turn out to be not be what they seem."  
  
He ignored the half-amused snort from his right.  
  
"Guardian, take point. Shadow, cover the flanks."  
  
"On it."  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
The trio pushed their way through the front doors.  
  
"Hey guys! What kept you?"  
  
It was a near thing, but they managed to resist the urge to facefault.  
  
"Over here! Isn't this place great! All the booze you can drink!!"  
  
The Bard waved at them with a half-full mug in each hand   
from a booth in the far corner. It was obvious from looking   
at him that he'd already had more then a few of the house specials.  
The fair haired minstrel was already flush in the cheeks and his  
normal hyperness was now reaching tasmanian devil levels.  
  
Rowan covered his face with his right hand,   
suddenly feeling the beginnings of a headache.  
It was suddenly quite tempting to pretend that  
they didn't know who the Bard was.  
  
"Too bad about the service though. No pretty ladies to have fun with!"  
  
Very tempting indeed.  
  
"How many have you had already?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
The Bard's green eyes briefly lost focus as he tried   
to find a brain cell that wasn't sloshed to the gills yet.  
  
"I think I lost count after the sixth keg."  
  
The Guardian winced in spite of himself. Even knowing   
the Bard's almost legendary capacity for alcohol,   
that level of drinking was nothing to take lightly.  
  
"So why'd ya want me to come here anyway?   
Did your wives spook you out again?"  
  
Shadow suddenly developed a twitch in his right eye.  
  
"We -don't- spook," He growled, "Especially not from a bunch of -..."  
  
Rowan's upraised hand cut him off.  
  
"Wait a second, I thought *you* set the place to meet us here."  
  
"Nope," The Bard wobbled, "I got my invitation from you guys."  
  
"Shadow! Guardian!"  
  
Both realized the danger at the same time   
Rowan did. All three began searching the area,   
looking for something, anything out of place.  
  
The half-elf looked puzzled.  
  
"What? Was it something I said?"  
  
Then Shadow pointed toward the base of the Bard's table.  
  
"There!"  
  
Rowan wasted no time, he simply slammed down   
the heels of his palms against the wood.  
The boards fell apart with a audible groan,   
revealing a sinister black metallic device   
buried inside. A faint hum could be heard  
from coming from somewhere inside it.   
  
There was no mistaking the lethal design.  
  
"It's a dimensional mine!!"  
  
Screams and panicked yelling erupted from the other patrons  
as they ran for the exits, a general scuffle breaking out   
as each person struggled to escape first. To be caught in  
such a blast would mean an almost certain and terrible death.  
  
Or worse.  
  
"Bard, D-hop out of here now!"  
  
The Guardian was busy trying to bring up   
a magical containment field around the table.  
  
The device's humming was building to an almost   
painful intensity.  
  
"Wha??"  
  
"Damnit! There's no time!"  
  
Rowan grabbed their friend by the scruff  
of his outfit with one hand, the other already   
working on a teleport to get them both out of here.  
They'd been caught flatfooted by such an  
unexpected attack, and now he cursed himself  
for not having been prepared.  
  
It was simply his misfortune to miss the fact   
that the Bard, still drunk as a skunk,   
was *also* trying to initiate a dimensional  
jump as he'd been told to at the same time.  
  
Shadow alone was the one to spot the   
discrepency in the chaos. The innkeeper  
behind the counter of wine and ale neither  
panicked or fled. Instead his beady eyes   
were staring at the four with what could   
only be called a sense of anticipation.  
  
"Bastard."  
  
The dark assassin flexed his wrist once.  
A throwing knife slid out of his long sleeve   
to come to rest comfortably in his hand.   
  
The innkeeper realized his peril too late.  
  
With a quick overhand toss Shadow sent   
the blade spinning straight into the   
man's left eye and the soft brain matter   
that lay behind it.  
  
Without even a groan the corpse slumped forward,  
its head striking the counter with a dull thud.   
  
Shadow's piercing violet eyes gleamed briefly with a  
muted sense of satisfaction as he started to finally   
make his own escape.  
  
"Too clean a death for the likes of-"  
  
And then the mine detonated.  
  
(to be continued...) 


	2. A Shadow in Nerima

Another Fine Mess   
Arc 1: A Shadow in Nerima  
by Where has Shade gone?  
  
Disclaimer: Prepare yourself, its going to be a very strange ride!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Act One: Unexpected Match  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It was another typical day. The sun was shining.   
The few birds who hadn't been scared off by   
rampaging martial artists with no sense of   
self control were singing. And Ranma Saotome   
and Akane Tendo were arguing.   
  
A typical day, if you lived in Nerima.  
  
"How was I supposed to know that Kodachi snuck into my bed last night?!"  
  
"I don't want to hear another one of your lame excuses, Pervert!"  
  
"Hey! Are you even listening to me? I said it wasn't my fault!"  
  
"You sure looked like you enjoyed having her   
on top of you in the nude!"  
  
"She used one of her paralysis roses on me!   
Of course I couldn't move!"  
  
"Sure, Ranma, like you really need to be held down   
in order to sleep around with your harem!"  
  
"They're not my harem, I never asked for any of this you know!   
Why do you always have to blame me for everything that happens?!"  
  
"Because its always your fault! You pick on Ryoga!   
You flirt with every bimbo you meet! You're always   
trying to make me look like a fool!!"  
  
"Psshh. Like you need any help with that."  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!! Ranma YOU JERK!!!"  
  
*POW*  
  
And once again Ranma was earning frequent flier miles   
via Air Kawaiikune. The script rarely changed, whenever  
his fiancee got mad or lost an argument (same thing, really)  
she would either beat him into the ground or send him aloft  
via one of her patented brute strength haymakers.  
  
Of course being Ranma, he didn't let a little thing   
like entering low earth orbit stop him from trying   
to get the last word in.  
  
"Violent tomboy!"  
  
And Akane being Akane, had to add insult to injury.  
  
"Ranma, I hate you!!"  
  
She threw the half-empty juice can in her hand at the  
rapidly ascending pig tailed martial artist, dousing  
him with cold orange juice.   
  
Satisified for the moment that she'd extracted   
proper punishment from her fiance for now,   
Akane set off for school without a backward  
glance.  
  
She had better things to do then wait for a   
stupid cheating sex-changing freak who didn't  
even have the guts to grovel for her divine  
forgiveness like the unworthy foul sorcerer...  
  
Akane shook her head a couple times to dislodge  
the strange (although oddly appealing) thoughts.  
  
"I'm spending *way* too much time around Kuno."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Meanwhile, Ranma-chan was just about to touch down   
in the middle of...well, somewhere. She rarely   
paid attention to any specific area unless there  
was something of importance there (like free eats)  
and in Nerima it would have been pointless anyway.   
Half of the streets in town had been rebuilt after   
brawls resulting from various enemies, fiancees,  
and the occasional kill-the-pervert mob chasing   
after Happosai.   
  
This street seemed to be one of the better ones though,  
and had she not been in her girl form at the time Ranma-chan  
might have taken the time to appreciate that fact as   
she came in for a landing.  
  
It took three skids, a tumble and a half twist before her  
feet got enough traction on the ground to put the brakes   
on. Not her best performance. The pigtailed girl dusted   
herself off with her hands inside the small crater she'd  
made.  
  
"Bleh, she didn't have to turn me into girl too. Stupid tomboy."  
  
Now where was she going to find hot water at this hour?  
  
A look around her produced no clues. It seemed the residents  
in this neighborhood had already gone off to work.  
  
"Oh great. I go to school like this and that idiot Kuno  
will be all over me again. What the heck do I have to  
do in order for him to get the simple fact through  
that pea brain of his that -I- -AM- -A- -GUY- ?!!"  
  
Grumbling to herself, Ranma-chan stepped out of the hole  
she'd made in the street and started resignedly trudging   
her way in the general direction of Furinkan High. She   
didn't even bother trying to go via the roofs, since that  
would only have brought the young martial artist back to   
her problems sooner. She tried to look on the bright side,   
unfortunately in Ranma's life there *weren't* any bright sides.  
  
"Face it Saotome, you're stuck in   
a rut and you're never getting out."  
  
Ranma shook her head, suddenly feeling   
far older then her sixteen and a half years.  
  
"Geh, what I wouldn't give to get out of this whole mess   
of everyone either trying to marry me or kill me or both.  
If only there was a way I could be free of this whole mess,   
preferably before I reach the school. Yeah, right! I might   
as well ask for for an adventure with a princess or two   
tossed in for good measure. That'll be the day."  
  
Be careful what you wish for.  
  
Because sometimes you just might get it,  
only not the way you were expecting.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Disorientation.  
  
Dizzying weakness.  
  
And lots and lots of incredibly agonizing pain.  
  
It was definitely not a good day to be evil.  
  
Too weak to maintain its human guise,  
what seemed to be a pool of liquid   
darkness thrashed wildly about under  
the deadly morning sun like a rabid   
animal in its death throes.   
  
Unfortunately, the analogy was all too appropriate right now.  
  
Because it *was* dying.  
  
Cut off from its host, its very source,  
it was losing energy with every passing   
moment. Conciousness faded in and out   
as more ruthless instincts took over.   
  
Survival. Always before its primary purpose,   
but never with such urgency as now. Not like   
the other times, this was the true death it   
faced now. The complete and utter annihilation   
it had brought to so many others before.   
  
Unacceptable.   
  
The primary host was unavailable.  
  
Therefore a new one was needed. And quickly.  
  
But where? The living darkness thrashed about,  
sends dozens of long black tendrils whipping about  
in every direction, vainly striving for any trace   
of a potential match in the immediate vicinity.   
But the cursed light of the sun blinded it,   
weakened its power and sapped away at its   
dwindling reserves.   
  
The shadow's frenzy increased to an almost maddened   
state as it stretched out with everything it had left,  
seeking, seeking...   
  
Contact!  
  
Just the faintest traces of magic, of such poor quality  
that under normal circumstances would have been disregarded  
without a second thought, but now was regarded with the same   
intensity as finding an oasis in the desert. Approaching slowly,   
but steadily. Almost was the scent enough to send it charging   
toward its prey, but a flicker of reason kept its first   
reflexive response in check.  
  
It would only have one chance at this.  
  
The fast fading entity coiled itself into a tight mass   
and mustered the last of its patience. It was a hunter,  
and knew well the value of the proper moment.  
  
Let its target get closer, then it would strike.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Ranma-chan marched onwards towards the drudgery of school.  
Her head sunk down in gloomy thoughts, she paid no attention  
to the quiet emptiness around her. There were no birds here,  
nor any other sounds of life. Only a strange silence.   
  
But Ranma thought nothing of it, her mind caught up in more   
important concerns, like Akane's upcoming home economics test.   
It was the clutz's sixth attempt to pass the course,  
which of course would require an unwilling test subject.  
For some strange reason the young Tendo was not a great   
believer in tasting her own cooking. Of course that wasn't  
the only thing that she'd try out on her fiance. There were   
the oven mitts that conducted heat better then any glass dish,  
the ragged hangmen's nooses she called scarves, and the crowning  
disaster of trying to embroider one of his shirts. One of   
his *favorite* shirts. He still mourned for the custom tailored  
and dyed chinese silk, which had been buried at sea with full honors.  
  
So it could perhaps be excused that Ranma-chan   
was not on her guard as she walked down the street.  
But that could also be partially attributed to the  
nature of that which waited ahead for her.  
  
It was only when she was almost to the point of   
stepping on it that she finally noticed the oddity.  
  
"Huh," Ranma wondered, neither alarmed nor afraid, "What is that?"  
  
A blackness where none should have been. A shadow with no source,  
lying there all alone on the grey concrete. Even as she looked at  
it the martial artist could see that it was dwindling, fading away  
at the edges like ice on a hot stove. Its unnatural presence  
suggested the work of magic, strange magic indeed.  
  
Despite Saotome's normal repulsion towards such things  
(except as a possible cure for his curse) a curious desire   
came upon her to try and touch this oddity. To discover if   
the mirror flat darkness was truly as smooth as it looked   
and it were cool to the touch or warm from the sun shining   
down upon it. Slowly, almost reluctantly, Ranma started to   
kneel down beside the fading pool, one hand already reaching   
out toward it.  
  
Only to stop.  
  
An internal struggle arose between the transformed   
boy's stubbornness and the strange compulsion.   
  
They were stuck in a deadlock. Neither side would   
give ground, but both lacked the strength necessary   
to finish their battle of wills. One had not the experience,   
while the other was too drained, too hungry to focus properly.   
  
Frustrated by its failure, the darkness took   
the only option left to it. Without warning,   
a score of thin obsidian tendrils erupted from  
the surface of the pool, reaching for the  
potential host.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Ranma's surprise was complete as the fading shadow struck.  
  
She arched backward, narrowly missing the first attempt.  
Quick as a whip the surprisingly fluid appendages crossed  
back, forcing the buxom girl to stumble back with a curse.  
  
"What in the blue blazes?!"  
  
Now it was coming right at her!?  
  
With the speed of desperation the darkness flowed toward her,  
sending its several of its tendrils wide out to prevent any   
escape and herd its target into range.  
  
Ranma-chan quickly found herself cornered against a wall,   
ducking and dodging to avoid being tagged by what seemed  
to be a constant barrage of the now nearly translucent limbs.  
For some reason her trusty danger sense (finely honed  
after years of being stuck with her father Genma) seemed  
to be confused, almost as if it was unable to determine  
that this was an attack or not. Something about this just   
didn't *feel* right.   
  
A spark of anger grew from within the confusion.  
While Ranma did not understand, she was also no   
mere wild beast to be brought to bay by mere shadows.  
  
Her right hand darted out to seize her strange opponent.  
  
Pride, as always, was the undoing of even the best.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Old darkness and young mortal flesh met.  
  
-Contact-  
  
To Ranma's utter horror the ebony tendril   
she touched seemed to hold fast to her hand   
like rubber glue. Reflexively she tried to   
shake its purchase from himself, only to find   
that it would not be dislodged. It was in fact   
starting to sink into her very skin!  
  
She struggled, but it seemed to only cause  
the process to go faster. She could feel a   
strange tingling warmth starting to flow   
slowly up her fingers.   
  
Near panic now, Ranma-chan used her other hand  
to try and pull free of the line that now connected  
her with the no longer fading mass.   
  
But her efforts only resulted in a second avenue  
of advance as a second tendril latched onto her  
free hand and started to meld into her flesh.  
  
More sensations of warmth started to tingle from  
her toes. Looking down, Ranma-chan saw that while   
she had been concentrating on the dilemma   
of her hands, the darkness had not been so idle.   
More twisting lines now anchored her feet to  
the shadow's main body. To her growing dismay,  
she witnessed as the flow of blackness invaded  
even the very shadow she made, turning it a   
darker shade then any moonless night.  
  
"Let go a' me! Get away! Go away!!"   
  
The only response to her yells was an   
increase in the speed in which the shadowy  
mass continued to absorb her, drawing her  
inescapably into its lightless depths.  
  
"Damnit!"  
  
It wasn't fair, why did this have to happen to her?!  
What had she done to deserve such a fate?!  
  
"Why can't things ever go my way for once?!!"  
  
Still Ranma-chan fought, still she struggled   
fruitlessly even as she was drawn down into   
the shadows. Her last sight was a glimpse of   
the still shining morning sun, before vision   
was cut off by complete and total darkness.  
  
The street was quiet once more.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
But while the physical plane was calm,  
the astral plane was another story.  
  
In the endless barren plains that marked   
the realm of the mind, a solitary figure   
materialized.  
  
His form was naked and battered, injuries of the spirit   
which were translated to physical wounds here. But though  
the body was weakened, the will that drove it was not.  
  
There was barrier here, a dark presence that   
resisted the merging of the two.   
  
Eyes of darkest purple coldly scanned the empty waste.  
  
Only one would leave this place alive.  
  
Shadow damn well meant for that someone to be him.  
  
From somewhere around him came a warning growl.  
  
It was close.  
  
But still he refused to be drawn out. Better to conserve  
what strength he had left. If his foe thought him to be   
easy prey, the ex-villain would be more then happy to   
teach them otherwise.  
  
Keen as his hearing was, it failed to pick up   
the sound of padded feet stalking toward him,  
preparing to spring.  
  
With a bloodthirsty roar, the great Cat pounced  
upon Shadow's back, its great claws cruelly digging  
into his sides, its great maw darting forward for   
the throat hold that would finish it.  
  
But the dark assassin had not survived   
this long by being slow in a crisis.  
  
He took the strikes to his side with barely a grunt, it was   
the beast's teeth (and the powerful jaws behind it) that were   
the real threat. His left arm came up to catch the feline under   
the throat, slamming its slavering muzzle shut with an audible   
snap a bare finger's width from his neck. His free hand   
stiffened to form a crude spear, even as he let himself be   
carried forward by the force of the giant Cat's lunge he swiveled  
in mid-air and braced elbow against hip to let the creature's own   
weight thrust his fingers through its hide and into the softer flesh   
that lay behind it. The creature roared in pain, but its weight  
was enough to force Shadow's shoulder out of its socket as it  
landed upon him.  
  
Ignoring the nerves screaming from his shoulder, he dug fingers   
deeper into the Cat's side, seeking a vital point to rend and tear.   
But the cunning beast had picked up a few tricks of its own.  
It rolled across the area where Shadow was, trying to crush  
him or gain a hold with its claws to pull him into range of  
its waiting maw. Grimly the ex-villain clung close to his foe,  
riding out the rolls but losing his grip in the monster's side  
as his abused shoulder was slammed against the hard packed  
ground repeatedly.   
  
Gritting his teeth, Shadow pushed off its hide with one foot   
and rolled a short distance to gain some breathing space. His  
right arm hung uselessly at his side now, turning a painful  
blue-black from the shoulder down. But a new fire burned in   
his eyes now, a dark primitive blaze that did not merely   
promise but declared death to all that it fell upon.  
  
"Rrrrrrrrr!"  
  
The low growl was the first real sound he had made so far in the fight.  
  
The Cat hesitated. Never had any of its prey behaved in   
a such a manner, always before had they fled in fear and   
been devoured. It had taken its own wounds in the short   
melee and dark blood still dripped slowly from its side.  
  
Shadow's form began to shift and blur as his mouth drew back  
to reveal the change already taking place. Already razor sharp   
canines enlarged, growing out as the jaws reshaped into an  
elongated dark muzzle. Other teeth, carnivore teeth,  
revealed themselves. Hands came down to shift to paws   
as rich dark fur spread out across his body.  
  
The Cat hissed loudly as it beheld its mortal enemy, a great black Wolf.  
  
One powerful foreleg was hopelessly crumpled and   
lay limp, but the beast's powerful bite was no   
less lethal for it. And the eyes, those great   
beast eyes remained ever still that same   
merciless purple.  
  
With their mutual fury at its peak, the two enraged   
creatures rushed forward into a final furious waltz   
of death.  
  
Cat and Wolf slammed into each other. The force  
of their charge pushing each back for a moment  
while jaws snapped and reached. They closed the  
short distance again in a dizzying fury of tooth  
and talon, bits of fur and blood flew and spattered  
as the beasts bit and clawed at each other. The  
bitter adversaries rolled together in a near frenzy,   
each seeking the final hold that would end the battle.   
  
Finally the Cat seemed to gain the advantage  
as rolled to the top and its teeth closed down   
on the Wolf's crippled leg. With a crunch,   
bone shattered under the power of those deadly jaws.   
The Wolf slavered and scratched, but not once did   
it ever cry out. The three remaining legs scratched   
furiously at the Cat's belly, opening long gashes,   
but without proper leverage they lacked the force   
to make the wounds truly deep. Indeed, the Wolf's   
struggles seemed to grow weaker and the great Cat's belly   
rumbled with cruel laughter. It eased its hold   
slightly, confident now in its foe's display of weakness.  
  
In the manner of all cats, it would have some sport with its prey.   
  
A mistake.   
  
Its last.  
  
Faster then the eye could follow, the great Wolf's head   
suddenly snaked out from the Cat's loosened hold and   
clamped onto the beast's neck with unbelievable strength.  
  
The Cat howled in fury and terror, its claws futilely   
scratching and clawing in a vain attempt to relieve   
the incredible pressure that was crushing its neck.  
  
But the beast would not falter, all of its power,   
all of its will was concentrated on the deadly bite.  
It's eyes were filled with the killing madness,  
and as the Cat looked into those raging violet orbs  
its fear grew even greater. For in them it saw now   
that not even death would halt the grim mission of   
those jaws.   
  
The Cat wiggled and struggled still,   
but with each heartbeat its movements  
grew less and less. It tried to yowl  
in a last ditch effort to surrender,   
but could only manage a faint dry scream.  
  
The Wolf's only response was to increase   
the force of its bite even more.  
  
With a last despairing gurgle, the Cat expired.  
A moment later a dull "crunch" sounded as   
the Wolf finally broke its neck.  
  
And still it refused to let go.  
  
Blood stained its muzzle and ran  
down its once shining fur, but  
the Wolf's bite grew only harder.  
  
*Crash*  
  
The jaws finally slammed shut.   
And the Cat's head toppled into the dust.  
  
With a look of grim satisfaction   
the exhausted Wolf limped to its feet.  
  
Slowly, painfully, it raised its battered   
head and howled once long and loud.   
  
A cry of victory.  
  
Then it turned back to the severed head   
and body of its defeated foe.  
  
With a hungry snarl, it began to feed.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
With the final obstacle gone, assimilation quickly commenced.  
  
Analysis of the host revealed an workable base to start with.  
A strong lifeforce with a metabolism that fell within acceptable  
levels, combined with a frame that was in exceptional physical  
condition...for a mortal.   
  
However there were also several issues that needed to be addressed.   
A deficiency in certain nutrients necessary for the host to function  
at optimal effiency was noted, as were several internal injuries  
currently in remission but potentially a threat to host's long term  
survival, and finally what appeared to be inherited flaws that   
reduced the host's ability to survive.   
  
Not the best material to work with,  
but one made do with what was at hand.  
  
The host's genetic code was stripped to its bare building blocks,   
unnecessary "waste" DNA and that containing anti-survival flaws   
were broken down into more basic and usable components and quickly   
put to use into rebuilding the host's frame into a more tolerable   
habitat. Although unable to provide the lacking nutrients, subtle   
manipulation of the host's metabolism would ensure that the host   
would be properly motivated to seek those on his own as well as   
provide additional material to finish assimilation.   
  
The darkness paused. It had done what it could with the limited  
resources available, but in order to complete its joining a final  
step was required. It would have to interact more directly with   
the host's psyche in order to "synch" with the residing soul.   
To do so would temporarily result in the dissipation of Shadow's   
consciousness as the core of the personality melded itself to   
the host, and he found himself curiously reluctant to take   
that last step.  
  
Shadow had clung to his individuality ever since he could remember,  
and had battled long and hard with the other aspects of Rowan Phoenix  
during the Great Divide in order to retain his own identity.  
To lose his personal sense of self, even for so short and necessary   
a task as this, was still extremely distasteful to him.  
  
But in the end, Shadow was also a surviver.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Shampoo (the beautiful chinese amazon much maligned by  
those who didn't know her very well) was heading back   
to the Cat Cafe on her bicycle of death from a long and   
heavy take-out order near the outskirts of Nerima when  
she suddenly saw an anomaly on the street ahead.  
  
A crystal black chrysalis, just slightly over five   
feet long, hovered a few inches off the empty street.  
Despite no visible anchor it did not move an inch from  
its position when any breeze blew past.   
  
This was odd enough to make even the busy delivery girl   
curious as to the nature of the strange object.  
  
Why couldn't these strange people ever put their things   
where they were supposed to go like the amazons did?  
Ever since coming to this island, the young warrior  
had seen nothing to dispute her personal belief that   
the Japanese were just plain crazy. Just look at all   
the examples of loudmouth stupid stick boy, stupid lost pig boy,   
too too stupid fat panda-man, and stupid violent pervert-girl!  
  
The only redeeming trait of Japan (in Shampoo's opinion anyway)  
was that it had produced Ranma Saotome, the man she had fallen   
head over heels in love with. He could be exasperatingly slow   
at times when it came to matters like marriage or dating,  
but nobody could ever accuse Ranma of being stupid.  
  
Her great grandmother would never have taken the time   
to teach an idiot such powerful techniques, not even  
if they were practically family. Nor would a stupid  
person have been able to keep off no less then four   
girls who were determined to drag him to the altar   
for as long as Ranma had.  
  
Yes, Ranma was no fool. But Shampoo dearly   
wished that he wasn't *quite* so stubborn!  
  
Upon closer examination, there was something quite strange  
about the object (other then that it was defying the law  
of gravity, which in Nerima that was only to be expected).  
From across the street the structure had appeared to be  
opaque, a dark black that seemed to suck in all light  
that fell upon it. Now that she was only a few feet from  
it, Shampoo could see that her first impression had not  
been quite accurate. The coffin shaped structure was  
indeed black, but now she could make out faintly different   
shades and texture, and there seemed to be something inside!  
  
And it was just big enough to be something like...a body.  
  
Swallowing hard as an unfamilar feeling of dread crept  
up her stomach, the normally unflappable amazon seriously  
considered for a few moments to leave this mystery for   
someone else more capable of dealing with it.  
  
Then her pride kicked in.  
  
With one hand tightly clutching one of her colorful trademark bonbori,  
the slightly nervous (amazons never admitted to fear, ever) warrior  
cautiously reached out toward the seemingly benign object. All of her   
senses were alert for even the slightest hint of danger. Even though  
she felt nothing actually suspicious from the coffin, something  
about its very presence disturbed her on a primitive inner level.  
  
Slowly, ever so carefully, her hand came into contact with the darkness.  
  
With a soft *pop* the chrysalis vanished beneath her hand,  
seeming to fall within itself until there was only the   
object that had been resting within and empty shadows.  
  
Shampoo had hopped back with a gasp the moment   
the reaction to her touch had began. It had been  
a strategic move to gain some room in order to  
scan the results of action from a more objective   
perspective (and not because she had been scared   
out of her wits!). Upon seeing what she thought  
was the object's destruction, Shampoo *really*   
hoped that it hadn't been owned by anyone and   
*really* *REALLY* hoped that the object hadn't   
been as expensive as it looked. She got enough  
grief from her great grandmother just for  
breaking down simple *walls*. The amazon shuddered   
to think of the punishment for destroying something  
*valuable*.  
  
Then her eyes widened as Shampoo finally got   
a good look at what had been inside the coffin.  
  
Chinese Amazon pride and dignity were forgotten.  
  
She screamed.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Stepping through the wreckage of what had once been the inn  
known as "The Lucky Duck", several vague figures approached  
the center of the destruction through the still heavy clouds  
of ash, soot, and less pleasant things in the air.  
  
"At last, the Rangers of the Crossover Fiancees have been destroyed!"  
  
"Are you sure we got them?"  
  
"Of course! We spent over a year planning this,   
there was no way they could have gotten out in time."  
  
"Are you absolutely certain?"  
  
"Trust me, even if they managed to somehow survive  
the mine's explosion, the resulting tear in the fabric  
of space-time would have sent them hurtling into   
a dimensional vortex to their certain doom."  
  
"But the cost! The cost was high. Not only just the expense   
of setting up this trap, but also one of our best agents gone   
just like that!"  
  
They had found the body. The corpse and a small clear zone   
surrounding it were the only things untouched by the destruction   
that had taken the rest of the building.   
  
"He was a true Knight. He did his duty."  
  
"But I thought the wards were supposed to protect him?  
And his armor, what about his armor? How in the Nine Hells   
did they manage to take him?!"  
  
One of the shorter figures reached down   
and slowly turned the body over.  
  
"By her High Holiness!!"  
  
A polished black hilt stuck out from the corpse's face  
like some ghastly medal of honor. But what caused those  
gathered there to recoil was the condition of their  
dead agent. What had been a man of mature years  
costumed in the guise of a mere innkeeper was now  
nothing more then a withered husk. The skin was nearly  
black with dry rot and decay, pulling the face  
tightly into a horrible parody of death's grin.  
  
"Blessed Untouched Continuum!"  
  
Most horrifying of all were the eyes, the dull milky orbs   
that somehow still seemed to hint at the faintest traces   
of life. For they screamed out to those who looked upon them,   
empty of all hope, a silent wail of unending suffering and damnation.  
  
"This is the Dark One's work."  
  
The one who had turned the body over began to reach   
for the knife, intending to pull it loose from their  
late comrade.  
  
"Leave it be! Do not touch that weapon!"  
  
The hand froze, mere inches from the hilt, which now   
seemed to have grown darker with some inner malevolence.  
  
"It seems that the assassin's bite is not limited to just his blades."  
  
More then one of those present made signs to ward off evil.   
Oddly enough, half of the motions appeared to be mimicking   
the use of a hammer-like object to bash something.  
  
"Here, come take a look at this."  
  
A kunoichi pointed toward ground zero, which could be distingished   
from the rest of the destruction by a very large crater in the   
floor that was fused to a glassy smoothness.  
  
The air was hazy there, but clear enough to see   
what had caught her attention.  
  
A faintly glowing yellow rose was stuck in the ground.  
Torn and marked with burns, but the flower was still   
relatively intact. And above it, faint but still visible  
to the eye, the remains of a dimensional portal.  
  
"So much for your 'surefire' plan," The female ninja's   
voice dripped with scorn, "At least one of them managed  
to deflect the blast and D-hop."  
  
"No way! Its impossible to set coordinates for a dimensional   
leap inside the radius of a hyperhole vortex. The flux of   
escaping chrono-spacial energy would hopelessly scramble  
any attempt and fry the fool crazy enough to go through the  
portal. Not even those four would be insane enough to try that."  
  
"You fool!"  
  
"Silence!"  
  
The arguing parties ceased.  
  
"Our timetable is already short. We do not know for certain  
that any of our enemies survived, but we also can not risk  
the chance that they are. Therefore we will proceed on the  
assumption that all of them are still out there. Most likely  
hurt and lost, but alive."  
  
There were nods of agreement, some reluctant,   
others with the eagerness of true fanatics.  
  
"But for now at least they are out of our way, which means  
phase two of our diabolical plan-"  
  
*Cough**Cough*  
  
"-Ahem! I mean our holy mission of divine mercy can begin."  
  
"The Knights of the Holy Order of Mallets await your command,   
Culinary High Lord!"  
  
"You already know your orders my faithful, bring swift death   
to the heretic known as Shade!"  
  
A third of the figures bowed, muttering praises to their vengeful  
goddess and slipped off to alert their fellow followers.  
  
"I suppose that leaves us to deal with the Rangers?"  
  
The kunoichi's tone was sarcastic, and there were   
grumbles from her fellow Knights. Why should *they*  
get stuck with the hard job?  
  
"Our alliance with your Order of The True Continuua   
was based on a mutual need to eliminate those meddling  
fools, and we have yet to see your side carry out their   
part of the deal."  
  
The woman stared hatefully at the shadowed figure.  
  
"We won't forget this. Your drooling little fanboys  
may have proved useful so far, but that won't always   
be so. And when that day comes there *will* be a reckoning   
between us."  
  
With a final glare of contempt, the ninja and her companions   
stalked off.   
  
The tall figure chuckled evilly as they left.  
  
"Hmmph. When the Great Saint of Always Rightness decrees it,   
we will show those infidels the power of Her Grace's   
blessed curry and holy blunt object."  
  
The tall figure raised his foot and deliberately  
crushed the rose, grinding it into the dirt until   
only a few scattered traces of faded yellow reamined.  
Then he nodded to those remaining with him.  
  
"Go forth, followers of the Short Haired One!   
We have worlds to convert to her rightous name!!"  
  
(to be continued...) 


	3. Does Evil Dream of Butchering Sheep?

Another Fine Mess   
by Shade seems to have vanished  
  
Disclaimer: You can't prove anything without the body.  
There is no cow level.   
Whatever you do, don't think of pink elephants.  
-a public service by "I own only what's mine" productions  
  
  
~~~~~~~~  
Act Two: Does Evil Dream of Butchering Sheep?  
~~~~~~~~   
  
It couldn't be!   
  
It just couldn't be!  
  
Shampoo was at his side in an instant.  
Her frantic eyes roamed over his body.  
Her airen was so still, except for the   
slight rise and fall of his chest.  
  
Then her brain finally caught up to what she   
was seeing. Ranma was breathing, therefore   
he wasn't dead as she'd first feared, only asleep.   
That's when she started to notice that there   
was something *different* about the pigtailed boy.  
  
The young man had always been attractive, but   
now there was a new predatory sharpness to his   
features. His unconscious form radiated a dark   
vitality that pulsed almost hungrily with each   
slow sensuous breath he took. A sudden flash of   
silver drew her eyes reluctantly from his lean   
whipcord body to look further up.  
  
The amazon's breath briefly caught in her throat   
as she saw her beloved's hair. Once pure raven   
black, the locks over his right eye looked like  
they had been dipped in liquid moonlight. A bolt  
of pure mithril which held her gaze and seemed to  
beg for her hands to reach out and caress it.  
  
Shampoo's pert little nose twitched as an errant   
breeze finally brought Ranma's scent fully to her.   
  
There was a new spicy tinge to his unique fragrance.  
  
Whispers of warm exotic oils and the sensual bite  
of hot scented candles. Teasing promises of decadence,   
tantalizing the amazon's senses with a heightened   
awareness of her own womanhood. Her nipples tightened   
to hard little pebbles behind the confines of her scanty   
bra, reflecting the aching need building within her core.  
The first hints of dampness appeared between her thighs,   
causing her to shift her legs from side to side as the   
moistened fabric of her panties brushed against her most   
sensitive part. Here lay her mate. That which would make   
her complete.   
  
Shampoo was suddenly seized by a powerful desire   
to tear off both their clothes and immediately   
mount Ranma for a long round of mad passionate sex   
right there on the open street.  
  
She was actually in the middle of trying to pull  
his shirt off when a soft groan from his lips   
stopped her.  
  
Concern for her airen won out over lustful desire by a hair.   
  
And thus was avoided a long and complicated chain of events   
that would have eventually ended up with the beautiful   
young woman being turned into Ranma's devoted loveslave.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Don't worry Ranma. Great Grandmother will know what to do."  
  
Pedaling harder then she'd ever pedaled before,  
the anxious amazon raced her deadly bicycle down   
the nearly empty streets.   
  
Her beloved's face was cradled protectively to Shampoo's ample chest   
as she supported his body's dead weight with her arms and lap.   
This seemed the easiest and safest way to get him to the restaurant.   
The fact that this position also ensured that Ranma's even breathing   
would gently tease her breasts during the whole trip had absolutely   
nothing to do with this particular choice.  
  
It was just an extra bonus.  
  
"First, Great Grandmother make husband all better.   
Then Ranma screw wife like wild crazed wease-er,  
Ranma be too too grateful to Shampoo and make out  
like tiger in hea-no, Airen take Shampoo like horny   
wild cave ma-that not right either, husband and Shampoo  
can go out and have hot steamy se-No, no, no!   
Something wrong here! Shampoo always want Ranma,   
but this too much! Even for amazon woman who been  
teased by shy airen for so long. Why is Shampoo  
having so much trouble thinking with head instead   
of silly loins?"  
  
Could it be some kind of sinister enchantment?   
Perhaps from one of her husband's many enemies?  
  
The thought brought a slight shudder from her.  
  
Gimmick items and (mostly) harmless tricks were one thing,   
actual heavy duty magic was something no amazon worth her   
salt wanted to mess with!  
  
"Need to see Great Grandmother quickly!"  
  
With renewed intensity, the amazon and her slumbering cargo   
raced across the neighborhoods of Nerima.  
  
~~~~  
  
"This really not turning out to be Shampoo's day."  
  
The ride to get Ranma home with her had taken longer  
then Shampoo had expected. For some reason she'd kept   
ending up in front of love hotels whenever her attention   
had been distracted from the road. And considering the  
fact that every time Ranma had moaned from his position   
it had sent the vibrations straight to her nipples,   
Shampoo had wound up getting distracted quite a bit.   
But they'd *eventually* reached the general vicinity   
of the Cat Cafe, for all the good that it was worth.   
  
Because company had come to call, and it wasn't friendly.  
  
"Stupid pervert girl would show up now. And she bring friends.   
Uptight spatula girl, cheating flasher girl with loud laugh,   
stupid fat panda-man, stupid lost pig-boy, stupid loud stick boy,   
and stupid stinky crying man. Gang is all here."  
  
Though they hadn't seen her yet, there wasn't any way even  
an amazon would be able to sneak inside. Not with that many   
eyes keeping watch. After all, they weren't *all* complete   
blockheads like Akane. Some of them were actually almost   
competent martial artists.  
  
The young woman looked back and forth between the small crowd   
and her slumbering husband as indecision gnawed away at her.  
  
The Amazon way was to charge straight into a fight,   
and consequences be damned. The subtle approach was   
not her forte, but it seemed she had no choice this   
time. A frontal assault with this crowd would endanger   
Ranma, as most of the group ahead had few or no compunctions   
about attacking such a helpless target.  
  
Shampoo ducked into the shadowed arch of a small sweets shop  
and carefully arranged Ranma into a comfortable position where  
he would hopefully not draw attention for a few minutes.  
She hated to leave him like this, even if it was for his own good.  
  
"Wait here Airen. Shampoo have to play tag   
for a bit with stupid people. Be back soon."  
  
Bending down, the young woman stole   
a quick kiss from his lips for luck.   
  
Then mustering her resolve before the taste of him   
could change her mind, Shampoo went out to play   
decoy and dummies.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
"Akane lose something? Or is pervert girl   
like stupid pig-boy who no know which way to go?  
  
That detestable voice was all too familar. The young  
Tendo bristled as she turned to face the annoyingly  
big breasted bimbo who was one of the many banes of   
her existance. Behind her, she could hear Ryoga   
protesting Shampoo's choice of comparisions.  
  
"Where are you hiding that baka?!"  
  
It irked Akane to no end that this foreign slut  
was not only considered by others to be a better cook,   
but also never took Akane seriously in a fight   
unless she had outside assistance like during   
the Strength Soba disaster. But at least   
the purple haired bimbo wasn't better looking   
then her, the only attraction that the amazon   
had was her oversized tits. And Shampoo was stupid too.   
After all, she couldn't speak proper japanese   
like a normal person. So that must indicate   
that she was obviously mentally defective (disregarding   
the facts that Shampoo's native language was *Chinese*,   
she had only a few months to pick up the language when   
it took most people years to get a grasp of the basic   
vocabulary, and that japanese grammer was just plain weird).  
  
"Shampoo no need keep airen from violent   
weakling. Akane do that all by herself."  
  
The smug superior grin on the amazon's face along  
with that simple statement managed to push *exactly*  
the right buttons on the short haired girl's quick fuse.  
  
She *hated* to be reminded of her lack of attractive   
feminine qualities. This was always a sore point for Akane,   
but never more then when one of her rivals pointed it out.  
  
It wasn't *her* fault that Ranma didn't like her cooking  
(never mind the fact that nobody else besides that girl   
Kurumi would ever eat it willingly). Recipes in the books  
were always so boring and bland, and usually it was simply  
easier to use whatever was at hand instead of taking   
the time to look for the required ingredients. It wasn't  
really such a big deal, Kasumi always made it look so easy.  
Ranma just kept blowing things out of proportion. If he'd   
just be a man and admit that she could prepare a meal as   
good as that of any other girl she wouldn't have to keep   
punishing him. As for the dishes and mess, it was Kasumi's   
job to take care of those unimportant things. Stuff just   
seemed to always break into many little pieces whenever   
Akane tried to do any housework, though *she* wasn't to blame.  
Those weak items couldn't handle a little roughness,   
which meant that the products were simply defective.  
  
Wait a second here. Was that empty headed gaijin trying  
to distract her? Shampoo hadn't answered Akane's question  
and that was enough to trigger her always present suspicion.  
  
"You know where Ranma is, don't you."  
  
It wasn't a question. More like a growl declaring sentence  
and execution. One quickly rewarded by the insult of having  
Shampoo, *Shampoo* of all people giving her the red-eye   
raspberry!  
  
"Biiiii!"  
  
"Why you!!"  
  
"Akane no can keep up with Shampoo. Thighs too thick,  
built like brick, and float like one too!"  
  
With that parting shot the amazon went racing up  
and off like a gazelle on speed. Her bike left   
a dust trail on the roofs so big that only a Hibiki   
could possibly lose track of it.  
  
"Get back here!!"  
  
"Akane my love, I follow!"  
  
"Ohohoho!"  
  
"After her! She knows where Ranma is!"  
  
"Hey! Where'd everybody go?!"  
  
"Its this way, Boy. Your left-no, your *other* left."  
  
And the chase was on.   
  
In the exact opposite direction of their *real* quarry.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Oh good grief Saotome, you're pathetic."  
  
Looking down at the halfbundled form with the distinctive pigtail   
sticking out, Nabiki Tendo could only shake her head in mild amusement.  
It looked like poor little Ranma was in trouble again, and judging from  
the design of his makeshift blanket and pillow it was of the chinese  
amazon kind. All the makings of a profitable situation were here.  
  
She could charge him an arm and a leg just for damage control.   
Even more to keep the news from the rest of his fiancees  
(Which she would then sell to them anyway. Only at a higher   
price). The fact that the young man was usually cash poor  
didn't deter her, she was more then happy to take her payment  
in trade (since it made cheating him easier). Especially since  
some of the girls (and adult women) in town had been making  
"inquiries" regarding the young man as a potential "escort"   
for dates and other minor social events. A few had even been   
so bold as to request the pigtailed martial artist for certain   
*special* services.  
  
Nabiki's features were filled with greedy delight as she looked   
down at the sleeping male, in her mind's eye seeing all the yen   
his time and body would be worth. The beauty of the whole setup   
was that once Ranma was blackmai-er, convinced to go through   
with the scheme, he would be trapped with incriminating photographic   
and audio evidence. And with that kind of a hold over Ranma,   
she would *own* him. He would have to do anything she wanted,   
and with each act her control over him would grow.  
  
It was a perfect scheme.   
  
Absolutely perfect.   
  
Nothing could possibly go wrong.   
  
Nothing.  
  
"Now how are we going to get you back home?"  
  
Well, maybe one thing.  
  
Luckily, that was when she spotted some of Akane's friends,  
Yuka and Sayuri. Even more fortunate for Nabiki, she had   
some juicy dirt on them so they wouldn't even have to be   
paid for the work.  
  
With toothy smile that would have done justice   
to any shark, the middle Tendo daughter moved   
in for the kill.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
It took a little longer then she'd expected,  
but the end result had never been in doubt.  
  
"They stubborn, but no make up for lack of brains."  
  
The amazon's breathing was a little heavy, some of her pursuers   
had been more difficult to lose then others. But lost them   
she had, and with all the criss-crossing and double backing   
false trails she'd left behind they wouldn't be finding her   
any time soon. Which meant that now she could get back   
to her real mission, getting Ranma safely to the Cat Cafe   
so that Great Grandmother could take a look at him.  
  
But when Shampoo got back to where she'd left him...  
  
"Gone?! Oh no! Airen in no condition for walk!"  
  
"You look like you were expecting to find someone, sugar."  
  
With a barely suppressed groan, the young amazon turned  
to face her rival, Ukyo Kuonji. The pretty brown haired  
girl had her trusty battle spatula out and seemed ready  
and willing for a brawl. But as much as Shampoo would have  
loved to clean her clock, her airen was more important.  
  
"Fight with spatula girl later. Need to talk to Great Grandmother now."  
  
"Huh?!"  
  
Shampoo left the cute okonomiyaki chef standing slack-jawed behind her.  
  
A minute passed.   
  
Ukyo blinked.  
  
"Hey! Wait a minute!! Wait up!"  
  
Then she went running after her.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
The amazon took one look inside the back of the restaurant  
and groaned. She'd lost track of the time, and now Cologne  
was currently engaging in her favorite form of recreation.  
A vice that the elder had picked up in Japan, and one   
that brooked no interruptions, not even from her own   
great granddaughter.   
  
"One day Shampoo find out who responsible for great evil   
of silly story that never end. Then Shampoo give great big  
boot to head as punishment! Evil story turn Great Grandmother   
into chair turnip."  
  
Shampoo decided to get some tea brewing while she waited.  
It was going to be awhile until Cologne would be available   
for advice. She was going through the various drawers and   
utensil racks when Ukyo entered.  
  
"What do you think you're doing, Shampoo?"  
  
"Making tea. What else it look like?"  
  
"That's not what I meant!"  
  
Shampoo started the water running to fill the teapot.  
  
"Then why ask if no want answer?"  
  
"Never mind! I thought you were going to talk to Cologne?"  
  
The amazon set the water on the stove to start heating.  
  
"Great Grandmother busy."  
  
"So? Just tell her we need to talk to her."  
  
Shampoo shook her head.  
  
"We wait. No interrupt Great Grandmother or else be big trouble."  
  
"What? You can't be serious."  
  
"Shampoo serious. Dangerous to bother now."  
  
Ukyo couldn't understand the amazon's reluctance.  
If Cologne knew where Ranma was then she was *damn*   
well going to tell them!  
  
"Well if you won't do it, then I will."  
  
"Spatula girl deaf? Be very very sorry if no listen to Shampoo."  
  
But the brown haired girl had already   
gone to confront the shrunken crone.  
  
Shampoo put a hand to her head as she slowly followed,  
grumbling about crazy okonomiyaki chefs who had a death   
wish. She arrived just in time to see the other girl  
badgering the unresponsive old lady.   
  
"Look, I just want to know what happened to Ranma.  
Are you listening?! Say something for crying out loud!"  
  
Then Ukyo made a critical mistake.   
  
She blocked the elder's view of the television.  
  
"Stop watching that soap opera for a second and pay attent-"  
  
*BAM*  
  
Shaking her head at the perversity of people who had to  
learn things the hard way, Shampoo went to pull Ukyo out   
of the wall. At least the chef's impression in the concrete   
made a nice change from all the Mousse-shaped ones.  
  
"Never *ever* get between Great Grandmother   
and Whirlwind of Love, Spatula girl."  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Safely back home, Nabiki decided that Ranma could be left   
in his room where the other girls had dropped him off.  
It wasn't like there was anywhere he could escape to when   
she finally decided to put her very cunning plan into action.  
Let him sleep. Besides, it was just about time for another  
sexy photo session with her number one best seller.  
  
Though there had been something a little odd about their   
behavior earlier (aside from the expected complaints about  
being blackmailed into physical labor). Yuka had mentioned  
something about a strange smell, not unpleasant but *odd*.  
What had been weird was that the girl's features had been   
flushed when she mentioned it. And Sayuri had copped several  
discrete feels of Ranma's buns when she'd thought (wrongly)   
that Nabiki wasn't looking.  
  
But caught up in her greed, Nabiki dismissed these minor oddities   
as being unimportant to her plans. As long as Ranma was here,  
that was good enough for her schemes.  
  
"Time to get nice and wet, my little moneymaker."  
  
Dangling a plastic cup of water in one hand and her trusty camera   
in the other, Nabiki was prepared for a standard run of "change  
Ranma into a girl, loosen her clothes, and then take enough naughty  
pics to bilk Kuno and the rest of the local perverts out of their  
weekly allowance".  
  
But instead what she got was...  
  
*Splash*  
  
"Damnit!"  
  
*Splash*  
  
"Stay still!"  
  
It was unbelievable! Even after fifteen minutes of trying,   
she *still* hadn't managed to douse the slumbering young man   
even once. Every time she dumped the water he would move aside  
at the very last moment and always look like it was naturally   
happening in his sleep. The devious young woman would have suspected   
Ranma was doing it on purpose except that she knew how bad an actor   
he was.  
  
"This time for sure!"  
  
The martial artist's leg stuck out and tripped her.  
  
*Splash*  
  
Nabiki got acquainted with a cup of cold water.  
  
"Arrgghhh!"  
  
Ranma slept peacefully.  
  
"I don't believe this!"  
  
Nabiki glared steel daggers at the uncooperative   
young man. Her shirt and jeans were soaking wet,   
and the mercenary girl didn't feel like trying to   
take illicit pictures anymore.   
  
She wanted a bath, a long hot bath.  
  
"You'll pay for this, Saotome."  
  
Her features dark with displeasure,   
Nabiki stalked off in the direction   
of the furo.   
  
Sadly, so caught up in matters of profit and petty revenge  
was the little moneygrubber that she had not yet noticed   
anything *different* about him.  
  
Had the middle Tendo daughter possessed any measure   
of foresight whatsoever, she would have been running  
for the nearest plane out of Japan.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Within most rational (and not so rational) beings   
resided a core of suppressed feelings and desires.   
Normally kept in check by rigid moral and ethical   
structures learned early in childhood, they were   
a throwback to the legacy of uncounted generations   
of evolution, festering remmants of the weak  
and terrified primitives that had once trembled   
and hid from the hungry night.  
  
Ranma Saotome was no exception.   
  
Buried beneath a thin shield of arrogance and crude chivalry   
lurked a rich ocean of buried fear, hate, envy, jealousy,  
and pure unadultrated rage. A thousand shades of darkness  
blended together into a nightmarish sea of concentrated   
negative psychic energy. Their very existance had always   
been rejected by the young man, but his refusal to confront   
his own humanity only forced them into hiding, and in so doing,   
made them that much stronger. To deny them had been to deny himself.  
  
A mistake.  
  
A weakness.  
  
A feast.   
  
With almost contemptous ease, the hungry soul fragment   
shattered the childish restraints which had sealed away  
those inner demons as though they were nothing more then   
a fragile toy.  
  
Day passed into night.   
  
Elsewhere in the house the other inhabitants gathered   
for the evening meal. Ranma's absence was noted,   
but under not-so-subtle urging from Genma, Akane and Nabiki,   
it was also ignored.   
  
None of those present could sense the presence of the change   
taking place so close to where they sat. They did not feel  
the danger that grew with every beat of Ranma's heart.   
A crucial barrier had been breached. The forbidden had been   
released, not as a trickle, but in a flood that threatened   
to overwhelm everyone that had ever done him harm.   
  
As the household settled down to sleep and dream,  
Ranma's body started to toss and turn. On the floor  
Genma snored away contentedly on his futon, untroubled   
by crimes of past and present. His presence seemed   
to agitate the young man's restless condition.   
  
Outside the full moon rose towards its peak as the hours passed.   
  
An eerie calm began descending upon the young man's form once   
more as midnight drew near. There was a finality to this stillness,  
an expectant hush that seemed to herald the coming of the dreaded  
hour.  
  
As the hands on the old clock hanging on the   
wall above struck twelve, one of Ranma's eyes   
suddenly flashed open.  
  
No longer was this orb the warm bluish-grey   
of a simple martial artist. It was an eye   
that had never been born to this world.  
The iris had changed to a rich purple shade   
so dark that it was almost black. A mark of   
the presence that was now a part of him.  
Inside of its cold depths burned a deadly  
hunger completely empty of any hint of light   
or mercy, an endless void held in check only   
by sheer force of will.   
  
Evil had awakened.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Shade sighed as he looked at his aging computer's screen.  
  
He'd never thought that his e-mail inbox would ever be so depressing.  
  
"Spam, spam, crappy misspelled fic with no plot, spam, pointless flame,   
spam, chainspam, ad spam, crappy pointless spam, unsolicited porn spam,  
unsolicited gay porn spam (how the fraggin hell do all these freaks   
get my address?!), spam, more ad spam..."  
  
Damnit! Why couldn't there be a Metroanime or Skysaber fic in here?  
  
"...Spam to the left, spam to the right, Spam for spam's sake, oh the pain..."  
  
Shade didn't know what was worse, receiving the crap   
or having to waste the time to go through and delete it   
all manually. He missed the good old days when writers  
knew how to write and grammer actually meant something.  
  
He was just about to shut down and give up for the night  
when the last unread message in the folder caught his eye.  
  
"An invitation? Okay, this is new."  
  
Shade read through it once. Then twice. Then a third time,  
but he *still* couldn't believe that someone had sent   
this to him.  
  
"Dear Hereti-, Mr. Shade,   
We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected   
to be our first vict-, recipient of the Divine Wrat-, prize  
for your work in blasphem-, humor and parody. We will be   
holding your executi-, award ceremony at the conveniently  
isolat-, picturesque abandoned ranch sixty miles north  
of your college. A map with directions has been enclosed.  
Please tell nobody else about this, since we don't want others  
to kno-, find out what kind of cool prizes we're going to give you.  
  
-Sincerely,  
The Knigh-, Fans of your work"  
  
Shade couldn't believe it. How stupid did they think he was?!  
  
"You have got to be kidding me."  
  
It sounded like a trap.  
  
"P.S. this isn't a trap."   
  
One eyebrow went up.  
  
"P.P.S. Really, this is not a trap! We're not waiting over there   
right now with lots of big pointy objects to stab you over and  
over with or big blunt hammers to smash your brains into jelly,  
or automatic weapons to blow great big gaping holes into your  
evil villainous body."  
  
Okay...this was pretty pathetic.  
  
"P.P.P.S. The KOTF had absolutely nothing to do with this. There  
is no reason to be suspicious of this letter that came from actual  
fans and not raving fanatics thirsty for your blood."  
  
His suspicion died. Nobody, not even the Knights of the Terrible   
Fiancee, could *possibly* be *this* retarded. It had to be a gag   
or something.  
  
"Yeah, probably the guys trying to hint that I need   
to get out more often. Oh well, what could it hurt?  
I'll just go tomorrow morning."  
  
Thunder rumbled ominously overhead.  
  
(to be continued...) 


	4. (In)justice for all

Another Fine Mess  
by Shade seems to be in trouble  
  
Disclaimer: F33R WH4T Y0U D0 N0T UND3R5T4ND!  
-If we owned it, why would we be here?  
  
Note: Any and all resemblence to actual people/places/things is purely intentional!  
  
~~~~~  
Act 3: (In)justice For All  
~~~~~  
  
Genma awoke suddenly. It was still dark outside,   
but he was aware that something wasn't right here.  
Every hair on his body was standing stiffly on end,   
and there was a strange chill in his bones that   
he couldn't seem to shake off.  
  
"Growf? Growf?!"  
  
Why was he a panda? He remembered going to bed   
as a man, so what had activated his Jusenkyo curse?  
  
"Growf?"  
  
And what was that smell? There was something oddly   
familar about it. His sleep-fogged brain was sluggish   
to respond to the stimuli flowing up his nose.   
But like many dumb animals, Genma had an auxiliary brain   
to provide assistance in times such as this.   
  
*gurgle**growl**feedmeseymore*  
  
His broad stomach rumbled.  
  
"Growf!"  
  
Now he had it! Soy sauce, wasabi,   
and freshly chopped green onion.   
  
Yum, yum!  
  
Now where was it coming from?   
  
His bleary bloodshot eyes gradually came into focus.  
  
"Groo-?!"  
  
*HE* was coated with the delicious marinade!  
  
Was that Kasumi's best ginzu knife stuck in the mat   
right by his leg?! What was that cookbook doing there?!   
  
He peered down as the fading moonlight   
revealed which page was open.  
  
"...Growf?!"  
  
Kansai Style Grilled Panda Steaks?!!  
  
"Groowwf!!!"  
  
Now fully jolted awake, the wide eyed panda fearfully  
eyed his surroundings, searching for any sign of the   
drooling insane psychopath that must have snuck in  
here and tried to *cook* him in his sleep!  
  
But the only person in the room was his son, peacefully   
snoozing away without a care in the world. Despite his  
best efforts, Genma could find nothing that indicated   
the presence of an intruder. His beady little eyes darted  
back and forth, as the room suddenly felt a lot bigger   
and darker then it should have.  
  
"Grooowwwf."  
  
Trembling and turning at even the slightest sound,   
the terrified middle aged martial artist pulled   
his now quite damp blanket further over his shuddering   
form in a pitiful attempt to hide his bulky mass.  
  
"Grooo..."  
  
Genma did not get another wink of sleep that night.  
  
He was still lying there, wide eyed and shivering,  
when the first light of dawn finally peeked in.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hmmmm..."  
  
"How long is she going to do that?!"  
  
"Quiet. You want matching boo boo on head?"  
  
Ukyo shot the other girl a dirty look as she applied   
more pressure to the bag of ice she held over the lump   
on the back of her head. The old hag really packed   
a whallop with that stick of hers.   
  
"Hmmmmmm..."  
  
To all appearances Cologne looked like she was meditating.   
Her eyes were closed, hips rested in lotus position,   
and she did that soft droning sound that the chef had   
always seen done in the movies.  
  
The only problem with this picture was that the elder   
hadn't budged an inch all night. In fact, Ukyo was   
starting to suspect that the old bat was actually sleeping.  
  
"Hmmmm..."  
  
"This is just a waste of time!"  
  
The brown haired chef rose to her feet.  
  
"No need stay, Spatula Girl. Always can leave."  
  
That stopped her. With a growl of pure frustration,  
the young woman turned back and sat down again.  
  
"Tea, Spatula Girl?"  
  
"Gimme that!"  
  
She snatched the pot and poured herself another luke-warm cup.   
Ukyo would be damned before she let some two bit amazon hussy   
outlast her!  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Soun Tendo rubbed his bloodshot eyes wearily as he looked into the bathroom mirror.  
  
He looked almost as horrible as he felt.  
  
It had not been a good night.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He'd gone to bed with his favorite dream of uniting the schools.  
  
The one where Akane and Ranma were married and the boy was forced  
by his loving wife to work long and hard like a dog to support   
his father and father-in-law.   
  
It had started out normally, with Soun and Genma lazing about drinking beer   
and playing shogi while Ranma rushed around to serve them, Akane following   
closely behind with a whip and crowbar to make sure he didn't slack off   
his duties. She was even wearing the shiny black leather outfit that had  
belonged to his darling departed wife. Oh, she made a father proud!  
  
Then the scenery gradually started to blur and darken and a strange digusting   
stench had pierced its way into the atmosphere of his comfortable dream.   
  
And the nightmare had begun.  
  
The glorious house, his pride and joy, had collapsed around him in rot and charred  
ruins. The dojo, sturdy and venerable, had melted before his eyes into a small mound  
that bore more then a passing resemblance to one of his youngest daughter's souffles.   
The sign that bore the proud name shattered into a thousand pieces, drifting apart   
as the cruel winds carried them off.  
  
But then he'd made the mistake of turning around.  
  
The sight that awaited him would have sent a braver man running off   
and screaming for their mother. Soun, being a natural coward, had dealt   
with the situation a little more appropriately. He curled into a fetal position  
and started sucking his thumb while his terror frozen eyes refused all  
attempts from the brain to close shut and stop the inflow of madness.  
  
There was Genma, his best (and only) friend, arranged like a wild boar  
on a great ebony platter. His panda body charred to perfection while  
his still human head had been stuffed with a moldy maggot infested apple.   
The overweight man's eyes had been plucked out and replaced with two  
gold coins which leered back at him from the gaping sockets.  
  
Behind the obscene dish had been arranged the table's centerpiece,   
his own sweet little Akane! The shattered form was barely recognizable   
as human, much less female, but enough of the face had been left on   
for him to just barely identify it as belonging to his youngest daughter.  
It looked as if some sick demented psychopath had beaten her with a large  
blunt object until virtually every bone and muscle in her body had been  
reduced to the consistency of warm jello. Her hair and a large chunk of   
her scalp had been peeled off, revealing the dull white skull, while other  
portions of her skin appeared to have been alternately boiled off or sliced  
and diced with a rusty carving knife. But the worst part had been when her  
mouth had opened to reveal bleeding empty gums and a small blackened stump   
where the tongue had once been. That had been when he realized that in spite  
of the horrific mutilations she was somehow still alive.  
  
Bile had flooded his dry throat as he'd retched helplessly.  
  
Yet it still hadn't ended there. The evil would not let him escape that easily.  
  
And so he'd been forced to witness his two other daughters being   
broken into the service of the monster responsible for all of this.  
  
Ranma Saotome!  
  
The boy's eyes were filled with nothing but pure evil as he'd slowly   
turned the angels of Soun's eyes into mindless fawning playthings  
one drawn out scream at a time. His cruel laughter burrowed into   
the farthest reaches of Soun's brain, despoiling everything which   
had ever held any meaning to him. Like a dark plague, the very foundations   
of the Tendo father's world were engulfed and infested with corruption.  
  
The pigtailed fiend suddenly turned toward him at the end,   
pinning the crumpled over man with his piercing gaze.  
His voice was soft but smooth, like cyanide laced honey.  
  
"Don't look so down."  
  
Then he smiled.  
  
"You're next."  
  
Soun wound up screaming himself awake.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Soun kept telling himself over and over that it was just a dream.   
  
Just a dream.   
  
Ranma was only a simple minded boy.   
  
Once Akane married him, she would quickly teach the young man   
his place in the household. There was nothing to worry about.  
  
If he repeated it to himself long enough, he might even start to believe it again.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Ranma felt good.  
  
He felt *really* good.  
  
He was at the top of the world, all cylinders fired up,   
ready to show no quarter and take no prisoners.   
  
He hadn't felt like this since...ever.  
  
The pigtailed boy was not one to question his good fortune.  
He walked right past the shivering fat hill of fur in the   
nearby futon, totally oblivious to anything but how great   
he felt today. His fuzzy memories of the previous day were   
pushed aside, He was feeling too good to be concerned about   
what he really couldn't remember clearly, so why bother anyway?  
  
Even the state of the old battered trunk that served   
as his makeshift closet couldn't ruin Ranma's mood.  
  
He started going through his clean clothes,  
flinging aside various red and blue chinese  
style shirts in search of something he could  
wear.  
  
"Crap."  
  
*Toss*  
  
"More crap."  
  
*He shoots*  
*He scores*  
*Three points*  
  
"Geh, what was I thinking when I got this one?"  
  
*Over the shoulder and out the window*  
*Swish*  
  
"Man, I never knew I had so much wussy crap before."  
  
*Fling*  
*Scatter*  
*Tornado Warning*  
  
"Ah ha! Finally, something with some *style*."  
  
The unnatural gleam in his right eye grew stronger.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Breakfast proved to be...different.  
  
Half of the household was bleary and red eyed with fatigue.  
  
Both parents looked like they were now on a first name basis with Hell.  
Soun kept darting hasty looks over his shoulder, as if expecting something  
scary to try and get the drop on him at any moment. On the other hand Genma   
had found an effective way to deal with his own fear. He concentrated on eating.   
  
"Snarf, gobble, gulp, chomp, swallow, munch..."  
  
And he ate a lot.  
  
Akane had awoken grouchy and unrested, and her mood hadn't improved since then.  
Her dreams from the night before of being the best and rubbing her competition's   
faces into the dirt had been ruined by a foul stench last night. Replacing  
her selfish fantasies had been nightmares about being a weakling and ugly which   
had haunted her till the break of dawn. Her conversational abilities this morning   
were restricted to angry grunts and some evil looks, she was just too tired  
to muster any pretense at civility.  
  
"Grumble, grumble..."  
  
Nabiki was nervous. This was a first for her, and she didn't enjoy it one bit.  
Last night had been started weird then gone straight to disturbing and climaxed  
with-  
  
"..."  
  
She winced at her rather bad choice of words.  
  
Kasumi on the other hand seemed to undisturbed so far by the strange undercurrents  
lurking in the background. There was a strange serenity around her that refused   
to be sullied by anything so mundane as the sweet perfume that had crept into her   
room late in the night. It would take more then just the fragrance of cool ocean  
breezes and hot summer lightning to fluster the eldest Tendo daughter.   
  
"Mmmmm."  
  
She absently used a corner of her napkin to catch   
the faint moisture trying to escape from the side   
of her lips.  
  
Of course when Ranma finally showed up at the table things got *really* interesting.  
  
"Man, I'm starving!"  
  
Three spit-takes hit a gagging Akane as she started turning green with nausea.  
The sickening odor from last night had returned. In one of Kasumi's hand the rice  
paddle slipped a notch as she accidently poured boiling hot tea onto her father's   
lap with the other.  
  
Soun started screaming a moment later.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
"Oh my! I'll get a towel right away!"  
  
Ranma blinked for a moment in confusion, then shrugged and let it go as being   
that the others were just being weirdos today. He slipped down to his usual   
place at the table and immediately started devouring every edible substance  
within range. Rice, fish, pickles, noodles, fowl, if it was food into his   
mouth it went, with the occasional gulp of hot tea to help wash it all down.  
  
"Itadakimasu!"  
  
*Munch**Chew**Gulp**Lather**Rinse**Repeat as needed*  
  
Breakfast had never tasted so good.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
{What the heck happened to him?!}  
  
Nabiki stared openly. Their houseguest seemed completely different today.  
A strange confidence that she had never seen in him before now seemed   
to infuse every fiber of his being. Every time she glanced at his oddly   
colored right eye she could feel a cold shiver run down her back.   
  
Something about it didn't seem...human.  
  
The effect was magnified by the younger Saotome's current apparel.   
His normal pigtail had been drawn out and retied into a full fledged  
ponytail, while the silver locks on the right side of his face gave   
him an almost rakish appearance. It was fortunate for Nabiki that her  
self control was formidable, or else she might have disgraced herself   
by either cringing or drooling.  
  
And his clothes...  
  
Where Ranma had found that jet black chinese style shirt Nabiki didn't know,  
but she was forced to admit he wore it well. Combined with his normal dark pants,  
the young man looked every inch the part of someone that anyone with any hint  
of common sense would not want to mess with.  
  
Too bad Genma Saotome didn't have any.  
  
The target of his son's plate proved to be too much of a temptation for the glutton.  
  
Akane was busy wiping her face when all of a sudden she heard the sickening   
snap of human bones being deliberately rearranged. She looked up from the napkin   
she'd been using to clean herself off with.  
  
"Aaaaaa..."  
  
A white faced Genma looked down at his shaking left hand. The middle finger   
of which had been forcibly rotated 180 degrees in order to give him the bird.  
  
Soun and Nabiki seemed frozen with shock.  
  
Ranma continued eating without pause.  
  
"Ranma?"  
  
What was wrong with him? How could he not notice this?   
And who had done such a mean thing to Mr. Saotome?  
  
"Gouchisousama."  
  
Ranma set his bowl and chopsticks down and rose to his feet.  
He brushed past the seated family members like smoke,   
moving from the dining room to the front hall before   
any of them could regain their wits.   
  
"I'm heading out to school now."  
  
And with that he vanished out the door.  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Medic!!"  
  
Now that the shock had worn off, Genma could *feel* his rapidly swelling   
digit's message that it was in a position it had never originally been   
intended for. Decades of martial arts training were forgotten as he   
clutched at the blackening appendage, rocking back and forth on the floor  
in pure animalistic suffering. This was no ordinary injury to be endured  
through discipline and fortitude, the nerve clusters in his hand had been  
manipulated for maximum exposure and resulting agony in the dislocation   
of his middle finger.  
  
"Oh my! Mr. Saotome, did you hurt yourself? You need to see to a doctor right away."  
  
Somehow the rest of the family resisted the urge to fall out of their sitting positions.  
  
Kasumi just looked innocently around the room from   
where she'd come back with a towel for her father.  
  
"Did Ranma leave already?"  
  
This time they did facefault.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hmmmmmm-oh!"  
  
Ukyo blinked her tired eyelids. Could it be?   
Was the old bat finally going to help them out?  
  
"Shampoo."  
  
"Yes, Great Grandmother?"  
  
"Its time to start getting ready for the morning customers."  
  
With a defeated sigh, Shampoo surrendered to the inevitable.  
  
"Yes, Great Grandmother."  
  
Ukyo hit the floor face first.  
  
"Ah, Miss. Kuonji. Shouldn't you be preparing as well?"  
  
With an uncontrollable twitch in her blazing red eyes,  
the okonomiyaki chef suddenly loomed over the Amazon elder  
with her Spatula of Doom held high.  
  
"You...dried up...monke-!"  
  
"Let me help you get back in time."  
  
The tip of Cologne's staff came up and contacted the front   
of the brown haired girl's rumpled uniform.  
  
*BAM*  
  
"I'll get you for thiiiisss..."  
  
As Ukyo's flailing form fell in the direction of her own eatery,   
the smirking crone turned her attention towards the dining hall,   
where her great granddaughter had started wiping down the tables.  
  
"Shampoo!"  
  
"Yes, Great Grandmother?"  
  
"Go tell Mousse we've got another hole in the roof that needs patching."  
  
"Yes, Great Grandmother."  
  
"And why don't you prepare a nice hot lunch to go.   
I have a feeling that Son-in-law is going to need it."  
  
"Yes, Great Grandmother!"  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"My breakfast is gone?!"  
  
"Mine too!"  
  
"Waaaaaa!!"  
  
"Hey! My Kerokero wallet?!"  
  
"My cigarette money?! Waaaaaaa!!"  
  
"My secret stash of gambling takes and bribe payments?!"  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Ah! Life is good."  
  
Ranma chuckled as he counted his take. His old man   
and the old fart's stash had proven slim pickings  
but Akane, Nabiki, and Soun had turned out to be  
pretty well loaded for such a bunch of losers.  
  
"15000, 25000, 35000..."  
  
The wallets and purse had been tossed into the nearest trashcan of course.   
  
"*Guzzle*...Ah!"  
  
No sense in leaving any unsightly evidence around.   
  
*Crumple*  
  
The young man casually tossed the crushed juice can over his shoulder into a trashcan.   
  
*Pop*  
  
*Guzzle*  
  
The first few vending machines he'd come across on his way to school provided him   
with all the drinks and munchies he could carry. The hungry martial artist had already  
made a sizable reduction to the amount of snacks he had on his person.   
  
*Splash*  
  
Ranma sidestepped the ladle of cold water without missing a step.   
He didn't have to look to know that it was that stupid old lady  
out doing her morning cleaning of the sidewalk.   
  
Too bad...for her.  
  
*Crumple*  
  
He hefted the crushed can in the center of his hand for a few seconds,   
getting a feel for the weight and general shape.  
  
Then he tossed his makeshift projectile underhanded to the side with   
an extra snap from the wrist to give it a little more *kick*.  
  
*BLAM*  
  
A battered tomcat that had often sent Ranma into the Neko-ken dropped  
dead from the top of a wooden fence as the spinning bit of aluminum   
caved in its skull. A thin scraggly mutt under the fence was quick   
to take advantage of the unexpected bounty.  
  
*KERPRANG*  
  
The can bounced off walls, telephone poles, and various other bits  
of scenery, ricocheting around like a deadly hummingbird on LSD.  
  
*Clong*  
  
The little old lady never knew what hit her.  
  
She staggered forward into the open street, dazed by the unexpected blow from behind.  
  
Right into the path of a small utility truck.  
  
*Honk*Honk*  
*Screeeecchh*  
*Crash*  
  
Ranma's smile grew at the sound of mayhem and suffering.  
  
Yes, things were certainly looking up today.  
  
The brown stray, its scraggly muzzle stained with blood   
from its first meal in days, came up to its benefactor   
with its stump of a tail wagging happily.  
  
Ranma paused for a moment to reach down and pat it softly on the head.  
  
"Good boy."  
  
The crumpled bit of aluminum bounced unnoticed into a recycling bin, its mission done.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
They were ready.  
  
Armed minions were stationed all along the wooded perimeter,  
the only direct path to the house had been mined, and the   
inside of the building itself was a fiendish deathtrap.   
  
All that was missing was the expected victim.  
  
"He's late!"  
  
They'd settled in and waited. And waited. And *waited*!   
  
For six hours they'd endured the heat, the flies, and the dire need   
to use a restroom, just for the chance of eliminating one of their  
Goddess's detractors. But it mattered not, for mere discomfort could   
not sway them from their divinely ordained task.  
  
"I gotta take a leak!"  
  
"Can't you hold it?!"  
  
"No! It's coming out already!"  
  
"Oh for crying out loud! Let's take a five minute break,   
it's not like he's going to suddenly show up while we're  
away."  
  
"Yay!"  
  
"Praise Her Short Hair and Mighty Fists!"  
  
Naturally, once they were out of sight of the road,  
a lone figure walking toward the house and cursing   
the rumpled printout that bore some vague resemblence   
to map in his hands showed up.   
  
"Who the hell drew this piece of crap, Ryoga's dyslexic retarded inbred offspring?"  
  
While Shade had a minor problem with getting lost the *first* time  
he went anywhere new, he had a knack for remembering just about  
any route he *had* traveled before. This talent made him an   
excellent designated driver for friends. Unfortunately his natural   
inability at exploration was compounded by this mockery of a map  
and directions. Exactly how was he supposed to "turn right at   
the big bunch of trees" when there were clusters of evergreens  
and softwoods all around him?! And really, was it too much to ask   
for the basic bearings of North, South, East, and West? At least   
Shade had been smart enough to bring along a CD player, he didn't know  
what he would have done without his favorite anime soundtracks  
to distract him from his predicament.  
  
It was a miracle that he'd found this place at all!  
  
Absently stepping his way through the unusual mounds on the road,   
Shade failed to notice the little blue sundress shaped flags that were  
planted on the top of each little hill that read "There are no landmines under here".  
The young man was focused entirely on his destination, which he'd finally reached   
no thanks to whatever fool had sent him those directions.  
  
Humming to the beat of the Lost Universe soundtrack with his eyes halfclosed,  
Shade stepped back and forth, moving in time to the beat. It was a good day to be an otaku.  
  
Something shiny caught his eye on the ground.  
  
"Ooo! A quarter! Lucky!"  
  
As Shade bent down to pick it up, he felt a sudden breeze pass over where his back had just been.  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
He looked up.  
  
"Must have been my imagination."  
  
Behind the thick bushes to his right several rusty steel sawblades quivered from where they were embedded   
deep inside the thick trunk of a young oak growing there.  
  
Truly, the Knights lived up to their patron's reputation.  
  
(To be continued...) 


	5. Dark Knight of Desire

Another Fine Mess  
by what the hell is Shade doing now?!  
  
Disclaimer: Stealing = Bad.   
Characters + Plot = Story.  
Story - Bad = No Lawsuits.   
No Lawsuits + Spellcheck = Happy.  
  
  
"Today might be a good day to die, but I prefer that it happen to somebody else."  
-Shadow  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Act Four: Dark Knight of Desire  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The Darwin Awards.  
  
A recognition of achievement for idiots so stupid, that they do   
the rest of humanity a public service by leaving the gene pool   
with all due haste.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ah, how sweet doth shine the maiden sun!  
  
Fair indeed is this dawning day.   
  
For at last the glorious Fates have revealed to this humble samurai   
the means by which great justice will strike down the foul boil on   
the gleaming buttocks of the civilized realm that is Nipon.   
  
No longer shall foul and cowardly magics bar the path to the twin  
keepers of purity and loveliness that hast ensnared this noble  
heart of mighty manliness.   
  
For it is too much to ask that these girded loins forsake the ferocious   
passion that is the fair Akane or deny the bountiful reserve of the   
demure pig-tailed princess. To choose one and forsake the other,   
tis a crisis of gravest measure that would be boundless cruelty   
to deprive either blushing temptress of the scion of magnificent   
virility that defines their womanly world.   
  
Ah, to taste the sweet nectar that hides waiting within those   
coral lips, those softly heaving mounds of bountiful plenty  
who begged to be grasped by these blessed hands of purest blood,  
and enter the pearly gates of paradise for the heavenly reward  
that is this humble noble's privilege.  
  
Ah! To do this and tha-look there at yonder gate!   
The Unclean Spawn of the Netherworld approaches now!  
  
Ha! The wretch doth hide his demon's eyes behind foreign shades of darkness!  
How fitting that he be dressed in truth as the honorless scoundrel that   
he is!  
  
"Foul Sorcerer! Today you shall feel the long awaited wrath of the heavens themselves!"  
  
All your pigtail girls belong to us!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
This morning Tatewaki Kuno was a contender for a Darwin Award.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
To your average student, the disaster taking shape outside was part of the normal school day.  
  
"Check it out. Looks like Kuno's going up against Ranma again."  
  
"And this is new how?"  
  
"But this time I think he's using one of those cursed magic swords again!"  
  
"What? Is he nuts?! Didn't he learn anything from that Phoenix Egg fiasco?"  
  
"Well it *is* Kuno."  
  
"Point."  
  
"I wonder why Nabiki isn't here to take bets?"  
  
"Who'd be dumb enough to bet against Ranma?"  
  
"Hiroshi, Gosenkugi, Daisuke, the entire Chemistry Club..."  
  
"Oh yeah, the loser squad."  
  
Remember that old saying about assuming things?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Oh, this promised to be good.  
  
Normally the sight of a charging frothing at the mouth lunatic like Kuno  
was enough to ruin his day. But now he looked toward the upperclassman  
who held delusions of grandeur with what could only be described as a   
delightful sense of anticipation.  
  
Of course nobody else could see that at the moment thanks to the timely  
donation of a pair of expensive black shades from a yakuza wannabe.  
Really, what had that idiot been thinking? Trying to set up shop in   
a place like Furinkan was just *asking* for it.  
  
He wondered if there was any kind of record for stuffing a human body  
feet first through a mailbox slot without killing them. If there weren't  
any, then they should make one just for him. It took skill to do that  
kind of damage without them passing out from the pain at any point of   
the process. Who knew, with enough therapy the guy might even be   
able to handle solid foods again at some point in the distant future.  
  
Yes, this was definitely turning out to be a great day.  
  
Bokken-boy had this one coming for the *LONGEST* time.  
  
Oh he had a list, a long little list. And the interest had been   
collecting on those accounts for far too long. It was time that  
people learned that Ranma Saotome doesn't stand for "Chump you  
can push around without having to face the consquences."  
  
So many victims to choose from.   
  
So many different methods of mayhem to inflict.  
  
So few hours in the day to do everyone in.  
  
And then Ranma Saotome did the most horrible thing imaginable.  
  
He smiled.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Even after the fact, none of the witnesses were ever sure how he did it.   
  
One second Tatewaki Kuno was taking a wild swing at his grinning opponent.  
  
The next, he was struggling to pull out the blade that had somehow become  
lodged all the way down his throat. He struggled to pull it out with both   
hands grasped around the thick handle sticking out of his big mouth but   
lacked the leverage to do so. The upperclassman's face quickly turned   
cherry red with strain as he dropped to his knees.   
  
Ranma strolled past him, whistling a cheery (though slightly off-key) tune.  
  
Behind him, Kuno's efforts were turning frantic as his face started turning to a dark purple.  
  
Two minutes later the chimes announced the start of yet another school day.  
  
Five minutes after that two *very* pissed off Tendos came running in.  
  
Half an hour later, Kuno (his mouth still crammed full) managed to drag himself to class.   
  
Around noon his teacher finally had the presence of mind to page the school nurse.  
  
Eventually the nurse remembered him long enough to call an ambulance.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke were known as many things at Furinkan High.  
  
Intelligent, attactive, well mannered, and Ranma's friends weren't on that list  
(despite what they themselves might think). Stupid gossiping sexist pigs who liked   
ogling Ranma-*chan's* breasts was a much more accurate description.  
  
And today, the bill for their past behavior was about to come due.  
  
"Hey ol' buddy! Nice shades!"  
  
"Heheh! Man, that was sweet what you did to Kuno out there!"  
  
The annoying duo kept up their inane chatter, all the while giving each other   
knowing winks as they prepared to set their "friend" up for yet another   
wonderful (to them) experience with cold water. Especially since he  
was wearing one of those tight t-shirts that normally molded like a   
second skin when wet and allowed them to see nipples. Sadly, that was  
the most they'd ever personally witnessed of the female form, since  
all of the regular girls at school knew them for the perverts that   
they were.  
  
Hiroshi gave his compatriot the signal.  
  
"Well, I...oops-!"  
  
Daisuke *accidently* tripped and spilled the cup of cold water that he'd  
just so been happening to be carrying. It was one of their standard setups,  
and had always worked perfectly before. And Ranma had never figured out   
that they were doing it to him on purpose. It was one of the things that   
made taking advantage of him so easy. If they'd had even a shred of   
conscience they probably would have felt guilty about it.  
  
"Uh, Hiroshi? He's not there anymore."  
  
"What are you talking about Daisuke? Even Ranma can't just vanish into thin air!"  
  
"But the water is there and he's not-AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!"  
  
There is a little secret for applying pressure   
to that little slot on the inner collarbone.  
  
It's not "grind", "release", "grind".   
  
It's "GRIND", "TIGHTEN", "BONES CREAKING", and "OHMYGODMAKETHEHURTINGSTOP!"  
  
"Hey! What's wrong with yo-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!!!"  
  
Two more names were crossed off the list.   
  
For now.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
This day just kept getting better and better!  
  
He'd made it to his seat just in time to beat the bell,   
despite the delay of dealing with his latest victims.  
  
Ranma hoped that nobody was planning on using the  
men's washroom on the first floor any time soon.   
The urinals were sort of "full" at the moment.  
  
An angry blue-glowing figure suddenly loomed over him.  
  
"Ranma you stupid jerk! How dare you take my breakfast   
and my wallet!! I'll make you sorry that you did that!!"  
  
"Ooo! Miss Tendo is being a delinquent!"  
  
"Huh? Wait a minute! It's all Ranma's fault! He-"  
  
"Happo-Fifty-Yen-Satsu!"  
  
"Noooo...!"  
  
He watched with amusement as the withered paper-thin husk   
that vaguely resembled a girl drifted out the door. The now  
adult teacher tossed a pair of water filled buckets after   
her victim.  
  
"And don't think I've forgotten you were tardy today either!"  
  
Ranma decided that the enticing view of Hinako's swaying   
(and barely covered) rear was much more interesting then  
the usual idiotic gossip going on all around him.  
  
{Sheesh, a guy decides to take charge of his own life and  
everybody acts like its the end of the world or something.}  
  
Ah well, right now he had better things to concern himself with.  
  
Like what the inside of Miss Ninomiya's mouth would taste like.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
At first, not much attention was given by the class to Ranma's   
changed appearance. This *was* Furinkan after all. But as the   
hands of the clock overhead made their rounds, a definite pattern   
started to develop in the classroom. Whenever the teacher turned   
toward the chalkboard the squeaking of chairs and desks started up.   
All of the remaining boys in class found themselves nervously edging   
away from where Ranma sat, forming an empty circle that was quickly   
filled by the girls' desks hastily scooting closer to the relaxed   
martial artist.  
  
Call it phermones, psychic vibes, or just simple animal instinct.  
  
Whatever it was, the pigtailed youth was putting it out in spades.  
  
They couldn't put their finger down on any single aspect,   
whether it was the shimmering silver crest in his hair,   
the lean hunger in his body language, or the way those   
killer black clothes flowed on him like a second skin.  
  
All the boys knew was that there was something really creepy  
about the Saotome kid today. Those expensive looking shades  
he had over his eyes didn't help their nerves either. If one  
looked too long at them, there was the disturbing sensation  
that *something* was glaring right back at you.  
  
The guys started to stare at the clock, as if by pure willpower  
they could speed it up and end this horrible day.  
  
For the girls it was a slightly different story. There was a tinge  
of fear attached to what they were experiencing, but for a very   
different reason. At some primitive level they could each feel   
the faint hints of "something" which teased their senses.  
  
They didn't know what it was, but they wanted more of it.  
And it was starting to show in the way they were looking at him.  
  
But if Ranma noticed any of this, he gave no sign that he did so.  
  
For all of *his* attention was solely directed towards his next target.  
  
Miss Hinako Ninomiya. The reform school teacher hired by that nut   
of a principal to try and "tame" him into being a gutless drone   
like all the other students in this crappy excuse for a school.  
  
Of course her efforts had been doomed to failure from the start.  
  
But her attempts had also aroused his interest.   
  
She was a fascinating blend of contradictions.   
  
Innocent and scatterbrained as child, but in her adult form   
possessing an earthy sensual allure and a natural flair   
for teasing the opposite sex. He should know, as she had   
used that against him during their initial battles at school.   
  
Her powers made her dangerous to underestimate, but by now   
he had learned all of her weaknesses. And this time the tables   
had turned. The huntress was going to find herself on today's menu.  
  
{It's going to be fun making her mine.}  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hinako Ninomiya was no stranger to the looks that her adult form   
attracted from both boys and men alike. It was a natural obstacle   
to her chosen profession, and one she had learned early on to either   
ignore or punish through some creative teasing. Not that any guy   
actually had a chance with her. The beautiful teacher had already   
decided awhile back that she only wanted a strong man in her life.   
  
Someone who didn't debase himself trying to constantly please her.   
  
Someone who refused to let themself ever be tamed.  
  
Someone who broke all the rules.  
  
In short, Hinako was looking for a man who would dominate her.  
  
But the search had always been in vain. Even Soun Tendo,   
a man she'd orginally had high hopes for, had turned out   
to be a big baby like the rest of them. It seemed that   
she would never find someone that would meet her needs.   
  
Except for one.  
  
The only male who had ever successfully defied her will.  
  
Ranma Saotome.  
  
And he was forbidden to her.  
  
The line between teacher and student was set in stone.  
  
A boundary Miss Ninomiya dared not cross no matter how much   
she might desire at certain times to do so.   
  
It would mean the end of her career. Her honor. Her pride.  
  
All of which were cold comforts when she went to her bed   
all alone, night after empty night. She didn't even have  
the option of purchasing a few battery operated "friends"  
because of the higher moral standards that a female teacher  
in Japan was held to. Never mind the fact that she couldn't  
buy such things in her child-form anyway, even if Chibi-Hinako  
could have remembered long enough to try.  
  
It was a volatile situation set with plenty of kindling.   
  
One that needed only the right match to spark a blaze.  
  
{He's *looking* at me?!}  
  
This particular match had brought along nitroglycerine and C-4 for the ride.  
  
{It can't be!?}  
  
But there was no mistaking that sudden aching awareness.  
  
She could feel the invisible caress of his eyes running along her back   
and rear as if it were a tangible thing. Slow and sensuous, like a  
warm ribbon of liquid chocolate. If she closed her eyes, it was almost  
too easy to imagine that his hands were trailing along her...  
  
No!   
  
She couldn't allow this to continue!  
  
Hinako found herself torn between terror and delight.   
Every illicit fantasy she'd ever entertained filled  
the teacher's head as she fought to maintain her   
composure in front of the rest of her students.  
  
Her confusion was compounded by a strangely pleasant mental  
pressure that steadily ground away at the foundations of   
her willpower and self control.  
  
It would be so easy to just give in...No! This was wrong!   
  
She had to put a stop to this at onc-...  
  
As if sensing what Hinako was thinking, Ranma casually raised a hand   
to briefly lower the sinister black lenses long enough give her   
a glimpse of the endless hunger that burned so hotly behind them.  
  
And then she realized that he *knew*.  
  
Dear sweet Kami-sama, somehow he was aware of *exactly*   
what kind of effect his actions were having on her.  
  
His eyes pulled her gaze into their bottomless depths,   
luminous sirens that beckoned her toward sweet oblivion.  
  
Hinako managed to turn away first. Barely.  
  
But not quite fast enough to miss the unmistakable grin   
of predatory satisfaction directed towards her.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
As the flustered teacher turned back to the lesson  
Ranma pulled out a banana. It was perfectly ripe,  
with just a hint of brown freckles forming on the  
yellow skin.  
  
He savored the tropical fruit's sweet (but not too sweet) flavor   
as the bell rang outside to signal the start of the lunch hour.  
  
There was a general exodus as the boys scrambled to beat   
the rush for the school cafeteria and the girls each   
prepared to "surprise" Saotome with a private invitation   
to eat together when he went outside.  
  
Unfortunately for their efforts, none of them were  
inclined to share him equally, which inevitably led   
to sabotage among themselves and in some cases even   
all out brawls breaking out as the girls tried to   
determine a pecking order. And as a result of their   
infighting, they would totally forget about their   
original intent until it was too late to do anything   
about it.  
  
Chibi-Hinako just wanted to find some candy.  
  
It was all a matter of timing. Life was funny that way.  
  
But at any rate the classroom was soon empty,   
save for the presence of the pony-tailed   
martial artist and one other.  
  
"RANMA!!!"   
  
No need to guess who that was.  
  
"BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA!!!"  
  
The target of young Tendo's rage calmly finished off the rest   
of his snack and tossed the empty peel in front of the charging   
girl's path.  
  
"BAK-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"  
  
As soon as her foot hit the slippery obstacle she went skidding   
along the floor...and right out an open window.  
  
Too bad she only fell three stories.   
  
*CRASH*  
  
"Oh, that's right! The school pool is on the *other* side   
of the building. Well Akane's always saying that she's   
a tough martial artist so there shouldn't be any problems."  
  
Seeing as she was sorta preoccupied at the moment,  
Ranma decided to check her bags. He'd forgotten to  
get his lunch from Kasumi this morning and was hoping  
to stea-er, find it in the tomboy's belongings.  
  
He did find a bento, but judging from the weight Akane had   
been cooking the night before. And since Miss. "My cooking   
isn't *that* bad" never ate any of her own food, that meant   
she had intended to forcefeed it to him today.  
  
{Yeah, like I'm going to let *that* happen ever again!}  
  
With a smile that boded ill for the recovering Tendo,  
Ranma decided to "help" the tomboy out by dropping her   
lunch off.   
  
Literally.  
  
"Bombs away!"  
  
Akane raised her head from the ground just in time to   
see thirty pounds of her own homecooking come crashing   
down on her skull.  
  
*CLANG*  
  
Thump.   
  
"Oh my kami! You killed Akane! You bast-*gack*"  
  
Ranma was surprised to recognize the poor fool   
he was currently strangling with one hand.  
  
"Hmmm? Gosunkugi? When did you get here?"  
  
*Gag**Choke**Wheeze*  
  
"Nah, it only hit her head so she'll be fine.  
It's not like she's actually using anything   
important up there anyway."  
  
*Hack**Gasp**Everything...getting...dark*  
  
"If you don't believe me then you should see for yourself."  
  
He casually tossed the sickly voodoo obsessed nutcase out the window.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaa-*Thwomp*"  
  
"Oh, you shouldn't forget these either."  
  
Several silver stakes and a heavy iron hammer   
soon joined their owner on the ground.  
  
"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Iiiiiiiiaaaaaa!!!"  
  
The last scream ended on a high note.  
  
"Wow, and here I thought all this time that Gosunkugi  
didn't even have any nuts to crush! Guess you learn  
something new every day."  
  
After closing the window behind him,   
Ranma left his classroom in search   
of fresh prey.  
  
"I wonder who's available for lunch."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
-Welcome to the S.I. Zone :P  
  
"This must be the place."  
  
Although the main building looked sturdy enough, there were telltale   
signs of wear and tear if one looked hard enough. The white paint   
was faded and flaking in many places.  
  
The steps up to the porch creaked and groaned like the wails of the damned.   
It almost sounded like it was saying "Don't go in there!" and "It's a trap   
you moron!". But of course that was just plain silly.  
  
{It's only my imagination.}  
  
*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*  
  
No response.  
  
"Hello? Anyone here?"  
  
{Please tell me I didn't go to the wrong place *again*!}  
  
He tried the door.  
  
Locked.  
  
And the last bus for this route had already departed by now.  
  
"My luck sucks."  
  
Head hanging low, Shade prepared for a long hike back to town.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
-This little baka went wee wee wee...  
  
Special Agent P.S. watched with unbelieving eyes as six weeks worth   
of preparations went straight down the toilet.  
  
"Why didn't he go in?! Doesn't he know the door's open?!"  
  
"Uh, fearless leader sir? You told us to always lock up when  
we leave a room after that time somebody walked into the holy  
temple and defaced the sacred goddess's portrait with a mustache."  
  
"You didn't..."  
  
"Yes sir! That place is sealed up tighter then a drum full of plutonium."  
  
P.S. smacked his forehead in digust.   
  
Then he reached out and whacked the back of his subordinate's head.  
  
"Ouch, Sir!"  
  
Feeling a little better, the servant of Darkne-Her Grand Supreme Mightiness   
turned to address his cannon fodder minions.  
  
"Okay, we'll just have to go to Plan B."  
  
"Uhh, what's plan B, Sir?  
  
"We shoot him, you dolt!"  
  
"Sir, I'm not a dolt! They're all on sentry duty. I'm an Idiot!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Private First Class Idiot reporting, Sir!"  
  
"Who allowed you into the Holy Ranks?!"  
  
"My cousin Major Idiot did, Sir!"  
  
"You...you..."  
  
"And General Idiot says we're the best examples   
of the KOTF you could ever find, Sir!"  
  
"How many of you Idiots are there?!"  
  
"Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Oy!" "You got it backwards again,   
Complete." "Yo!" "Yo!" "yo!" "What's wrong with you, Total?"  
"i've been sick." "Yo!" "YO!" "You'll have to forgive Freakin,   
Sir. He's deaf." "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho!" "Damnit,  
Bloody, this ain't Treasure Island!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo, yo, yo!"  
  
"Oh Holy Mallet-sama! I'm surrounded by Frigging Idiots!!!"  
  
"Well Sir, that's because they're triplets."  
  
*Whap*  
  
"Ow, Sir!"  
  
"Shut up and prepare to fire!"  
  
"Yes, Sir!"  
  
*Sound of ammunition being chambered*  
  
"Not at me, you Dolts!"  
  
"Idiots, Sir!"  
  
"Whatever!!"  
  
  
-To be continued 


	6. Bad to the Bones

Another Fine Mess  
by Shade, international author of insanity  
  
Disclaimer: th15 f1c u535 cr3at10n5 th4t d0 n0t b3l0n6 t0 m3!  
B0w t0 th3 l33t! W3 w1ll a551m1lat3 y0u!  
  
Ranma 1/2 property of Rumiko Takahashi  
  
Many thanks to my prereaders.  
  
"Fight fair? Mercy? I'm sorry, you've obviously mistaken me for someone that gives a damn."  
-Shadow  
  
~~~~~~  
Act 5: Bad to the Bones  
~~~~~~  
  
"One of these days I'm gonna get that old ghoul!"  
  
Ukyo Kuonji was late.  
  
Not that attending school rated high on her list of priorities.  
  
But miss a chance to check up on and spend time with her fiance in class?   
Now *that* was a very bad thing from this young woman's perspective!  
  
She would have come sooner, but halfway here she'd remembered that Akane   
had cooked Ranma's lunch for today. Although calling those experiments   
in bad taste that was probably an insult to decent lunches everywhere.   
Why couldn't that klutz get it through her head that she was an abomination   
when it came to the kitchen?  
  
Before coming to Furinkan, Ukyo had always been certain that she was   
the ultimate unfeminine tomboy. Upon meeting her fiance Ranma Saotome   
again, she'd been sure that his claims of her *cuteness* were more lies   
spun to avoid his just punishment by mega-spatula.  
  
But then she'd gotten to know Akane Tendo.  
  
{Now *there's* someone that makes me look like a paragon   
of womanhood by comparison!}  
  
"Don't worry Ranma-honey! I'll save you!"  
  
Never underestimate the power of fresh okonomiyaki.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A monster stalked the halls of Furinkan High.   
  
Armed with the traditional tools of his fiendish trade, this heartless beast   
prepared to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting student bodies.   
  
Soon...   
  
Soon they would all scream in terror as Furinkan High   
was transformed into Hell on Earth.  
  
"Da keikis gonna get da bolo head fo' sure dis time!"  
  
Principal Kuno indulged in a little evil maniacal laughter.   
  
"Bwahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
His doctor had told him that it helped lower his blood pressure.  
  
There was only that one little gokiburi in his luau.  
  
That little Saotome punk.  
  
"Bruddah get da kine buss up. No mo'a disrespect da   
Big Kahuna show him who wea' da pineapple round hea'!"   
  
The kid was rude, violent, and just an all around regular   
pain in the ass. Plus his hair was too damn long.   
  
But that was gonna change!  
  
He had gotten a whole new shipment of nasty tricks shipped in   
just last week. This time for sure, the rebellious students   
would be crushed like so much taro root in the poi pounder!  
  
And speak of the devil, there was that brat right now.  
  
"Aloha kukui baka! Gonna do da snip snip to da kine tardy keiki!"  
  
He opened up with a barrage of his favorite (and quite expensive) trick,   
explosive stuffed lobsters complete with matching snapping razor-lined claws.   
  
Ha! Let the foolish boy try to get out of...HUH?!  
  
With almost contemptous ease, the darkhaired young man proceeded   
to pluck the incoming crustaceans right out of the air. His fingers   
plunged straight through the reddish brown shells to pluck out   
and disable the detonators attached to the payloads of pineapple   
hand grenades. The grenades themselves vanished within his hands   
immediately afterwards.  
  
Sixteen twitching husks hit the floor with an audible splat.  
  
"Was that it, or do you have something else more interesting to show me?"  
  
What the bugger was wrong with that kid's eyes today? It looked like   
one of them was glowing!? But that was preposterous!  
  
"Dis time fo shuuah!"  
  
His next attack was a mix of electric razors and sharpened pointy scissors.  
  
The Principal leapt up to follow his attack, secure in the knowledge that   
even Ranma couldn't deal with that many sharp objects in the confined space   
of a school hallway. The boy had only two choices really, run away and try   
to dodge most of the incoming missiles or stand his ground and get hit   
by a lot more of them. Either way, the longhaired twerp would be   
at a serious disadvantage when the middle aged Kuno came in to shave   
him bald as a Buddhist monk.  
  
"Gotcha Bolohead!"  
  
With a casual underhanded toss Ranma lobbed one of the grenades he'd lifted   
into the front of the wave of approaching shaving accessories.  
  
*BANG*  
  
The blast shook the ceiling and rattled windows in the hall so hard   
that hairline cracks formed at the edges of each one. The concussion   
also blew Principal Kuno's projectile blitz right back at him.  
  
"Aaaaa!! Auuughh! Aiiiieee!! Iiiitaaaaiii!! Crikey!!"  
  
The last came out when a sinister hand reached out of the smoky haze   
to grab the dazed and bleeding administrator by one of his thick ankles.   
  
"Mommy!!!"  
  
It started dragging him back into the waiting darkness.  
  
"Nooooo! Help! Help me! Not da Coconuts! Not da-*snap*-*crackle*-*pop*"  
  
There's always a bigger fish in the pond.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Ewwwwwww!"  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke had been found.  
  
Needless to say, the ones that had discovered them   
could have done without that dubious honor.  
  
"Oh dear Kami-sama! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!!"  
  
Furinkan's restrooms had been renovated and upgraded to Western standards   
several years ago. This meant (among other things) that the boy's side   
sported public style wall-to-floor urinals.   
  
Which were currently occupied at the moment.  
  
"My poor bleeding eyes!"  
  
According to the traditional law of physics, two bodies cannot occupy   
the same three dimensional space at the same point in time.   
  
Otherwise bad things happen.  
  
"Somebody stop that cheesy porno music!!"  
  
Of course, Ranma never had been one for following laws even   
*before* he'd lost what passed for his conscience.  
  
And so his unfortunate victims had somehow both been shoved   
into an amount of space that had never been intended for its   
present capacity.  
  
But that wasn't the most disgusting part.  
  
"I've gone blind!!"  
  
Their positions were.  
  
"My Brother! I feel your pain!!"  
  
In order to squeeze both victims inside,   
the pair had been stripped buck-naked.   
  
And there was a very good reason why nobody had heard   
any screams or cries for help from the perverted duo.   
  
"Evil! I have witnessed TRUE EVIL!!"  
  
It's rather hard to talk with your mouth full.  
  
"Dear Kami-sama! We've been taking showers with those sickos!!"  
  
Who says evil doesn't have a sense of humor?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ranma was hunting.  
  
His elusive quarry offered an interesting challenge,   
leaving behind a random trail of candy bar wrappers,   
pudding cups and bitterly cursing janitorial staff.  
  
"..."  
  
Of course, it was a rather *obvious* trail as well.  
  
Miss Hinako had been a *bad* little girl.  
  
And bad girls got...punished.   
  
He smiled in anticipation.  
  
And then all of a sudden Ranma's plans for the delicious   
teacher went flying out the airlock as a familiar figure   
crashed through the hall window.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
He was depressed.   
  
A very familiar state.  
  
For he was cursed.  
  
Not only by Jusenkyo. Or his miserable lack of direction.  
  
And it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that   
while he had a physical build that Hercules would envy,   
it was paired with plumbing more appropriate to a five year old.  
  
Ryoga Hibiki was cursed by the presence of Ranma Saotome.  
  
The source of all his problems. Past, present and future.  
  
All of it could be blamed on Ranma.  
  
That was why he had to beat him. Humiliate him. Destroy him.  
  
Even if he had to lie, cheat, and backstab his enemy,   
it was all in the name of justice.  
  
Because it wasn't his fault. It was Ranma's fault.  
  
Always Ranma's fault.  
  
The stolen bread, the missed duel, Jusenkyo, the countless beatings   
he'd suffered, and Akane. Dear sweet perfect Akane who that evil   
villain treated like garbage.  
  
There was no justice in the world!  
  
"Damn you Saotome!!"  
  
Filled with an abundance of manly depression, he leapt forward,   
blind to anything that might be in his path. The glass in front   
of him might as well have not been there, since he didn't feel   
a thing.  
  
Physically, or otherwise.  
  
"You really don't have any respect for other people's property, Hibiki."  
  
It couldn't be!?  
  
It WAS!  
  
"How DARE you call me Hibiki! My name is P-chan!!"  
  
Wait a second?! That wasn't right!  
  
Oh forget this thinking business!   
  
It made his head hurt.  
  
Violence was so much easier.  
  
"RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
He'd fought Ryoga several times before, but there was something   
different about this battle from the very beginning.  
  
It was as if Ranma could see every move his opponent made before   
Ryoga actually did it.  
  
It was almost...pitiful.  
  
Blow after blow the young man sidestepped, ducked, or teasingly   
twisted away from without a care. When the increasingly frustrated   
Lost Boy tried a feint, Ranma not only saw it coming ahead of time   
but also turned it to his own advantage.  
  
A sharp crack resounded through the hall as his backhand smashed   
into the off balance Hibiki and sent him crashing down the corridor.   
He'd hit him so hard that Ranma had actually felt the other boy's teeth   
smash into his inner cheek.  
  
The young man watched with an odd sense of detachment as the fanged boy   
started to spit mixed gobs of spit and blood to the already messy floor.  
  
But that didn't last long.  
  
Something was stirring inside of him.  
  
Something cold, dark...and hungry.  
  
Ranma looked at his adversary and didn't see a bitter rival   
or a fellow martial artist.  
  
Instead, he saw prey.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Something was wrong.  
  
His mouth was full of the sickly metallic taste of his own blood,   
the gash inside oozing lightning pinpricks of white fire.  
  
How? HOW?! Ranma had never been able to do this to him!  
  
Sure the bastard was faster then him, but he'd never been strong   
enough to hurt him like that!   
  
It had only been a single blow, but his face felt   
as if he'd been struck by a freight train.   
  
"What's the matter? You look surprised."  
  
Shaking his head in an attempt to clear the spasm of dizziness   
that had swept over him, Ryoga got back to his feet.  
  
"That's more like it. It wouldn't be as much fun otherwise."  
  
He couldn't believe what he was hearing from that arrogant son of a Genma!  
  
"Fun? FUN?! How dare you mock me!!"   
  
Ryoga glared as Ranma gave him another one of those irritating smirks.   
Saotome flexed both of his hands easily, the slight pop of his knuckles   
only heightening the surreal feeling here.  
  
No way was Ranma stronger then him!  
  
"Did you think a single hit like that would stop me Saotome?!   
That felt like a baby's punch!!"  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Take THIS!!"  
  
This time Fang Boy went for his bandanas.  
  
He grabbed them off his head and flung them out at a rapid pace,   
filling the corridor with his spinning razor edged projectiles.  
  
There was no way even Ranma would be able to dodge all of that,   
not in these confined surroundings!  
  
"I've got you!!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Once again Ranma experienced that peculiar sense of the outside world   
slowing down. A part of him knew that Ryoga's bandanas were coming   
at him incredibly fast, but to his eyes they seemed to be moving   
as though they were traveling through transparent mud instead of air.  
  
He had all the time in the world to act.  
  
Reaching behind his head, the martial artist pulled free the dragon's whisker   
that bound his ponytail. Letting his long hair fall freely behind him,   
Ranma looped one end of the whisker around his index finger and reached   
deep within himself for a reservoir of power that he'd never known existed before.  
  
His improvised whip gleamed evilly for a moment.  
  
And then he lashed out.  
  
The space in front of him seemed to split into a thousand shards   
of light and darkness as the shining hair wove into a gleaming web of chaos.   
  
Bandana after bandana was sliced apart as it entered the lethal area   
of effect until finally no more of the projectiles remained in flight.  
  
With a snap of the wrist, the martial artist called the whisker's length   
back to his hand and retied it back in his hair.  
  
The expression on Ryoga's face was simply priceless.  
  
Of course only someone without any shame or sense of fair play   
would have attacked someone so obviously stunned like that.  
  
Ranma's kick sent Hibiki rocketing through the wall like  
an out of control soccer ball and into the next building.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The sound of rapid property devaluation alerted the chef to her fiance's   
probable whereabouts. When in doubt about where to find Ranma Saotome,   
one seldom went wrong by simply heading *towards* the explosions.  
  
Ukyo hoped Ranma would be feeling hungry after the fight.  
  
It would make it easier for her to get an explanation out of him   
for yesterday's disappearance. He had a lot of nerve to scare her   
like that by just vanishing without a trace!   
  
If she hadn't purchased that monthly subscription plan from Nabiki   
she might never have learned he'd gotten back late yesterday afternoon   
and would probably have still been looking for him.  
  
Not that she could totally blame him for wanting to duck out on the usual insanity.  
  
There were people in this district that could drive a saint to drink.  
  
Ah! She'd found him. There was no mistaking that...pigtail?  
  
Ukyo blinked.  
  
"Ranma-honey?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
He savored the feeling of cartilage shattering against his foot   
like a well-aged fine wine. He could taste the spicy swirling miasma   
of rage, the fine jagged arcs that marked the sweetness of pain,   
and the small but quickly growing kernels of intoxicating fear   
building up within the Lost Boy.  
  
The eerie glow in his eyes grew stronger as he chased after Ryoga.  
  
This was merely an appetizer.  
  
He wanted more. Much more.  
  
Ryoga saw him coming in.   
  
Hibiki was still struggling to rise, the adrenaline pumping through   
his veins fighting off the first signs of shock from his broken nose.   
He tried to growl a curse, but this time only a wet bubbling wheeze   
emerged from his torn and bleeding mouth.  
  
Ranma gave his target no chance to get his bearings, smashing a brutal   
one-two-three combo past the other boy's attempt to defend with lethal efficiency.  
  
His predatory smile grew as he felt one of Ryoga's ribs give way under his assault.  
  
Ranma sidestepped the clumsy punch that came back in retaliation,   
and then took advantage of his opponent's position to smash   
the flat of his palm straight into Ryoga's outstretched elbow   
like a sledgehammer. There was a wet muffled crunch as Ryoga's arm   
flopped backwards from the impact.  
  
This time his efforts were rewarded by a piercing scream of raw agony.  
  
He paused for a moment, soaking in the sweet sound of another being's suffering.  
  
And then the back of his neck tensed up as he sensed the presence   
of someone else intruding on his meal.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She couldn't believe her eyes.  
  
"Ranma! What do you think you're doing?! You're killing him!"  
  
Although Ukyo bore no love for Ryoga Hibiki, she was still shocked   
by Ranma's behavior. And not just by the chilling ease with which   
her fiance had dispensed such extreme violence, but even more so   
by the savage enjoyment that she saw in his features as he did so.   
  
What was wrong with him?  
  
"Ranma! Stop-"  
  
A low sound, not quite a snarl, rumbled from the depths of his throat   
as he spun around to face her. The rest of her words died stillborn   
in Ukyo's mouth as Ranma tossed aside the moaning Ryoga like yesterday's   
stale okonomiyaki.   
  
That primitive burning gaze held her transfixed,   
like a helpless young chick in the clutches of   
a hungry serpent.  
  
Her giant battle-spatula hung limply in her frozen hands.  
  
For the first time that she could ever recall,   
Ukyo was actually afraid of her fiance.  
  
On some basic unconscious level the okonomiyaki chef could sense   
the ruthless force seething within her Ranma. It was in his eyes,   
the cruel line of his smile, and in every unhurried movement   
as he approached her.  
  
She saw his hunger, and witnessed it shifting from bloodlust   
to something even more frightening.  
  
Desire.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Some subconscious level of awareness alerted him to the fact   
that he was no longer alone on the road.  
  
When he turned and saw the strange geeky fanboys approaching   
with large military style rifles pointed in his direction   
he did what any survival-prone person would do.   
  
Namely, dive for cover without bothering to waste time with   
silly questions like "Who are you?" and "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
Obviously they were no friends of his, and you didn't point guns   
at people that you intended to invite to a tea party.  
  
"Shoot him you dolts!"  
  
"Idiots, Sir!"  
  
"Whatever! Just shoot him!"  
  
Well that answered one question for him.  
  
He wasn't dealing with a bunch of Einsteins here.  
  
*BANG*BANG*BANG*BANG**BANG*  
  
But as the bullets began to fly all around his position,   
the young writer ruefully acknowledged that enough firepower   
could more then compensate for their lack of brains.  
  
His only consolation as he crawled through the dirt and thick   
underbrush that bordered the road was that they seemed to be   
terrible shots.  
  
Wooden stems and small thorns did their best to hinder his already   
slow progress, drawing small trickles of blood from his bare arms   
and his legs where they managed to pierce through his worn jeans.  
  
He ignored the pain as best he could, getting shot would hurt   
a lot worse and be a lot more permanent then just some scratches.  
  
Shade crawled as fast as he could at an angle from the shooters,   
trying to get out of the firezone while at the same time trying   
improve his chances of remaining lead-free by putting a bit   
more distance between himself and his attackers. At least   
the sound of gunfire drowned out any noise he made crawling   
through the dry brush.  
  
It felt like hours under there, just putting one arm in front   
of the other and moving ahead one leg at a time as branches   
and dry sticks jabbed cruelly against his stomach. Each time   
a bullet whined over his head he involuntarily twitched,   
expecting to feel it slam into his back and blow a hole   
through him.  
  
The utter silence that suddenly followed was almost explosive   
in contrast to the earwrecking din of before.  
  
"What are you idiots doing? Keep shooting till he's dead dead dead!!"  
  
"We're out of ammo, sir."  
  
"Idiots!! Do I have to do everything myself?!"  
  
"Was that a trick question, sir?"  
  
"Ooo! Ooo! I know this one! It's door number three!"  
  
"Arrgghhhh!!"  
  
A single gunshot sounded.  
  
"Oh my God, He killed Kenny!!"  
  
A muffled commotion broke out behind his position.  
  
Shade couldn't believe what he was hearing.   
But then again, he also wasn't one to question   
an opportunity.  
  
Trying to make as little noise as possible,   
he got back to his feet and made his way   
deeper into the woods.  
  
Somebody was going to pay for this.  
  
They going to pay dearly indeed.  
  
-To be continued 


End file.
